I am in such a state of flux now, I have to deeply examine things on a different, more profound, perhaps even primal level.

Therapy the last two days was extremely intense. I feel like my life is moving to some kind of epic turning point - it will either kill me or cure me. I need to own up to things I have done, but I also need others to do the same.

I just cannot go on like this. Stuck in some 42nd Circle of Hell.

I started my session yesterday with the statement that, if this were Germany 1940, I probably would have been gassed by now under the "mental hygiene" program the Nazis instituted as part of their eugenics/ethnic cleansing push.

I am, after all, a "mental defective". But what does that mean to me? On a societal level, on a personal level?

Think about that term, "mental defective". It is grossly offensive to me. Yet it is still the official legal term in US federal law. "legally incapacitated individual" used in my state law is all warm and fuzzy by comparison.

It makes me feel automatically hated, judged, disgraced, dehumanized. Words like defective or nutcase or psycho sting my soul just as racist, derogatory terms would be hurtful to a person of color or of a different faith.

One of the biggest questions - where do I stand? Who am I?. What am I?

What if I really am bipolar? Notice I didn't say have? Am. Have says "I'm still me, I just acquired this new thing" - am says "it defines who I am".

Interesting, people say "I am bipolar" or "I am schizophrenic" but only "I have PTSD". Does that imply something about mental illness vs psychiatric injury?

NO ONE ever answers my prime question - does that one thing, mental illness, negate EVERYTHING ELSE?

Am I still me, but with Mental illness X, or am I JUST X????

If I am just X, and all I will ever be to everyone is X, because they just see the label X, and won't take the time to look beyond it, then I need to go, forever. Like in 1940, on a "train to the East"

If I can still be me, with X, still be who I want to be, them I choose life.

Limbo, purgatory, stuck in between is worse than either choice, at least then I would know.

Things have to come to a head right away in my life, I cannot go on like this.

Kill me or cure me.