well, i'd been drinking, and started thinking about my dad, and how he didn't protect me. how he apparently didn't care enough to step up and be a real father. for so long i made excuses for him, like "well, at least he never beat me or molested me or anything"..... but now i realize something..... being a great parent shouldn't be about the things you DON'T do to your kids. what about the things you don't do FOR your kids?

the neighbor who did the most physical and emotional damage to me by his actions...... i still think about him alot. and i don't forgive him, even though i'm pretty sure he's dead. but in a way, i feel like my dad might as well have been the abuser himself..... he sided with him instead of me. him not reacting to protect me, staying friends with the neighbor even, told me that i didn't matter. and 20 years later i still feel like i don't matter. last night i just bawled my eyes out for almost an hour and told my dad over and over again, i hope that wherever you are you can see me now, and see how i've turned out. what a pathetic mess i am. i told him he is not forgiven. i want to be able to forgive him, i loved him and i still do, but i don't forgive him now. he wasn't a horrible person...... but he wasnt a very good father.

sorry just had to vent a little.......