Thank you ramirorico (cute funny avy) zinco14532323. I appreciate the comments. My mom has a lot of shame and as a result I lived my whole life in shame, a life of secrets and lies. Even when my sister was hospitalized and was suicidal, not a single person knew about it and I begged her to let other people know so we can have some kind of a social support as a family (I felt so alone) but she couldn't. That's when I developed PTSD, which is what I'm still struggling with. She also has a narcissistic side, so when you got something good going she becomes possessive (when I was a kid and looked handsome and did well, she'd often go places with me instead of dad, and so my doc said I was adultified...or whatever...can't remember the word). But if you mess up or don't look as good, she rejects you and distances from you as if she was allergic to you. But it doesn't look like she doing it on purpose, it's like her heart is so small or her emotions are so powerful. I think she spends a lot of her time trying not to face her own pain.

My father was emotionally distance and a workaholic and so I ended up growing up with mom's needs and desires and wants crowding me and a few years ago as I turned 30 and completely broke down (PTSD, anxiety and depression), I had to go back and face the reality that this was the family I grew up in. I was completely without direction. I had forgotten about myself. I literally did not know what I wanted to be or who I was. Or if it even mattered. My mom quite older now, seems less of a force in my life but still every conversation with her makes me terribly tense.

I think I lived much of my life in this enmeshed environment (and codependency that you referenced) and somehow I assumed that as a whole family we will take care of us each other but I felt like I did my part growing up but they left me out to dry. So I turned 30 and suddenly realized I have no intimate relationships, no house, no job, and felt infuriated because I felt it was suddenly every man for himself now that major crises in our family had passed and nobody cared about me. This is a crazy comparison, but heck I'll say it, it's almost like going to war for your country and when you come back they tell you it was not necessary anyways and also sorry you got PTSD or whatever but there is no help and you go find a job yourself and start judging you if you don't.

What's worse is my therapist had said a lot of things I did, unintentionally, was making the situation worse or the same, never improving it. I was "enabling" her in believing her story of shame and powerlessness and being caring towards her. My therapist said it's time to focus on myself. But there is so much anger about unfairness of it all. I live most of my days with feelings of shame or guilt or anger. I hate telling no to her. Whenever she wants something she becomes so pushy and when you reject her she feels victimized.

When I had come across a couple of forums and children of alcoholic families talking about some of these things, I started to wonder if they could understand me. Then I forgot about it till I came across enmeshment recently. Anyhow, this is getting way long and thank you for your responses.