These are my issues, being assertive and yet kind, setting limits compassionately, and deciding on compassionate consequences for when those limits or my wants are ignored.

I will provide two examples, one a roommate (and an old friend) and one with my mom and how I felt helpless and confused. My therapist did not know of a good book to recommend to me but I never did ask her about the consequence part, only about assertiveness.

-I'm constantly worried about hurting people with being assertive. I have a roommate (who is also an old friend) who was always late for rent. He also has person and family issues and so I kept being patient but at some point I got fed up. He has less money than me so I keep feeling sorry for him. I had asked indirectly, said it more directly like, "I'm sorry you are having problems and I hate being in this position of keep asking for money, but it's been happening every month." The next month it was on time and again no. I don't know what to do.

-I had told my mom (who has borderline traits) indirectly and directly, that when I come over (when she invites me), I want to have fun and a good time. And that if you have problems, tell me so we can talk about it. Like don't do the passive aggressive thing. But she waits till something that really matters to me comes up, then out of jealousy or anger or sadness or whatever it is, she gets "ill" or has a big fight with dad or gets on my sibling's nerve (my younger sister who was suicidal and hospitalized and now lives in more special housing place with nurses and all). So a new crisis comes up and my thing gets ignored.

But I have a sense of obligation (heck, she gave me life and took good care of me growing up, I owe her!) I once told her: Mom if you keep doing this I can't be relating with you, I can't come over anymore, I hate to do this but you keep doing this! Mom just stared at me but usually in these situations somehow says it's other people's faults or whatever or just stares at me in confusion, as if she can't remember it or did not understand she was doing it. Then usually what follows is a couple of weeks of being needy or guilty or whatever the heck it is, like makes my favorite food or keeps calling me ten times a day and I find the whole dance infuriating (I have a six sense and know when it's about to begin) and yet don't know what to do.

I think she is afraid of getting angry and since my dad is emotionally distant, she's learned that he leaves home when she's mad so that now she tries to find these indirect ways to get what she wants. I'm unlike my dad and I'm sensitive and more caring and understand her more but this has become my curse. He wont take more responsibility for her stuff, she won't (cause she feels out of control...when I was quite younger, she often threatened suicide and had rage tendencies), and I, despite living on my own, feel so full of rage I can not sleep most of the week. Heck I was up on this forum all night long last night. My therapist keeps leaving it up to me but it's not fair, this is killing me! I wish I wasn't born or she was dead!

p.s. There, it's out! Was not sure if I should share so much anger and hate, but I love my mom as a whole but she does things (and she is things) that make me crazy with rage.