Skeezyks, thank you for being a friend. I need that right now. I generally see most things in life as nuanced and very much on that continuum.

But the mental illness question, when it comes to me, is absolutely all or nothing, black or white. I either "am " or "am not" - no matter of degree, no nuance, no room to maneuver. And, to be pronounced "not" means I have to be, essentially, "completely sane", totally well adjusted. Or as I have told myself, the poster boy for perfect mental health. That does paint me into an impossibly small corner, completely surrounded by an immense chasm.

You see, in my mind, when it comes to the label of mental illness, to be accused is to be convicted. Of a nebulous crime no less - much like being accused of witchcraft in Salem or of anti-revolutionary thought in North Korea - the crime is in the eye of the accuser, it exists if they say it does, and the accuser is also judge and jury. Not a fair fight.

I know, that is all very ... Esoteric isn't the right word, but it is gossamer, vapor. In real terms, it means that, if I exhibit one symptom that I allow to "slip out " and be noticed, it makes me suspect. Enough people see little snippets here and there, and someone connects the dots, I am outed. I am outed, life as I know it is over. The wolf is always at the door, the Stasi re always lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce.