After years single, I met someone online in mid-July. He dropped off after the 2nd date, I was upset, then he reappeared 3 weeks later, we met again, I was excited.

In mid-August, my grandmother that I had been very close to, passed away. I told him about it, and he was sympathetic which I appreciated. Ever since and until last weekend, he has been contacting me sporadically to go over to his house and spend the night. I saw things exactly for what they were but somehow it was like I had no emotions about it, I was glad to hear from him every time simply because he provided company rather than being all alone with the loss. Whenever he contacted me I’d go to his place without much thinking, like on autopilot. Last weekend though I ended it because his lack of caring was so apparent. It was like a quiet bell went off in my head at one moment, saying “okay, enough.” And still, no strong emotions, it’s like watching myself from a distance, everything is like in a fog.

This is unlike me. I drink a lot of beer; I spend time at bars a lot just to hear voices and laughter around me rather than being in the quiet house. She died here at home, in the next room. We loved each other so much. Things remind me of her suddenly, and I start crying. I wonder if dating in general is different when you grieve.