Oh, I can so relate to this! And let me tell you, it's a real problem. Strangely enough, people don't feel comfortable with 'the strong one'. I've noticed that sharing my own stuff a little has made interacting with people a lot easier. Everyone has their own problems and if you're not sharing yours you're not part of the group.

She probably is coming from a place of trying to build you up, but you can't build someone up with lies. I have the same disconnect from the people in my life. I think it's partly my disability. The therapist says it comes from childhood emotional neglect and I often can't identify what I feel if anything. Interactions are very tentative seems like and I haven't made myself a part of their lives so they go about their routines and never think of me. Like you say though, I don't know the people in your life so can't say for sure

Perhaps your T is in a difficult position. T validates you by focusing on the positive aspects of you, and seeing the best in you. I think that's what most T's do. Because they are aware how many of us have been kicked down and mocked and invalidated for our "shortcomings" (imagined or real). This actually came up for me cause I remember smirking at my T long ago when she said, We've known each other for a while now and I'm sure you can succeed in whatever when you put your mind to it.

I told her you are saying it because it's your job, which she disagreed with. It was not easy but I finally got her to admit my weaknesses, that if I go back to college, I'm unlikely to succeed in certain areas and more likely to succeed in other areas. I showed her that she is validating me even more in being truthful with me. That I would not be mad at her (or fall apart) if she saw my shortcomings too.

But I doubt if you T will ever make a kind of a blanket statement that you are or were, say, "awful." Nor is your T necessarily going to agree with you in terms of what you see as being wrong with you or your reasons as to why you don't have the kind of relationships you want.

Before I forget, you said: "I was abused as a child because I was awful and unlikeable." Come on, HazelGirl, you don't believe that, do you?! That reasoning is insane! It takes at least two people and whole bunch of other factors for abuse to be possible and finally to take place. All kinds of people get abused. Tall and short, gifted and low IQ, old and young, aggressive and passive, beautiful and homely, innocent and "sinner", rich and poor, etc, etc.

You got abused "because" life sometimes sucks, no, because life sometimes is terribly cruel and unfair and crushes our heart and soul.

Sorry you are hurting.

I think she might be addressing your splitting in one way or another. People don't only split in context with others like we often hear about with BPD, etc.; often a person will see themselves as all good or all bad. It's a type of defense mechanism, so it's protecting you about something, some of which you've already explored.

It's common to feel distressed when defenses start to crumble. And those defenses are distorting, so yeah, your going to be uncomfortable with what she says. I do understand the fakeness too, but that might be linked to this, but separate.

(Just a coincidence I mentioned defenses also on another recent thread)

Hang in there, she's on your side.

Difficult to know what to say really but that is sorta the topic overall in a way and the way the thread is reading. I'll try something completely off the wall and see.

Once my therapist just said to me, "I don't really like you right now."

Just like that. No warning, no prep, no soft pedaling, just straight out with it, and no real explanations after either. And certainly no apology. He meant it. I was being a total pain and he had reached his limit.

We never discussed it but it sure stood out. See, he could only say that if he felt that first we had a solid relationship that would not break over something like that. And if he had belief that I would not break over it either. It didn't actually bother me that he said he didn't like me; I actually don't really care all that much about being liked, much for the same reasons as you, or parallel in a way at least. It simply hasn't been part of my life that being liked was something that happened all that much. There are different reasons, and they are not the same as yours, but I think maybe the general experience has something in common with anyone who feels alienated, has been rejected or outcast or lied to or whatever has happened with people so that they are just not reliable.

So my therapist, knowing this history of mine, still said, "you know what, I don't really like you." What would you do with that? is that what you would prefer to hear? or is it more about her evaluation of others whom she just really doesn't know so can't really say much about unless you've provided lots of details.

I actually really learned from my therapist saying this to me. It stung because at the time horrible things were happening and everyone was being a ****, so for him to add to it felt awful. But he could only say that if he trusted me and the relationship. And that he was taking as real, not based on money, but real like any other relationship, where you fight and don't like what people say or do and finally get pissed off enough to say something.

He didn't baby me. He didn't pretend everything was okay. He didn't pretend at all. Therapists aren't governed by money. They actually don't make all that much given how much they have to do. It really isn't for the money. It may be for something else that doesn't feel real, but there are therapists who are in it for the real stuff. Be careful because you may get what you wish for. But then for me, I actually ended up appreciating this and now feel fondly about it. It did take balls to do though. Or just plain being fed up.