Struggling so very much right now. Every meal is a struggle. Brain is devising ways to get out of the meals I've already committed to with others. I don't want to eat. I want to be numb and lose the weight already. I feel like people don't listen when I use my actual voice... so this body thing is becoming my voice again. People stop and listen when I look unwell. Nobody seems to hear me when I'm at a healthy weight. I've been asking for help for a month now and... the people who are in my "team" don't seem to be getting it.

So here I am, skipping meals and checking the calories on cough syrup (nasty cold this week). I hate this place. It's dull and boring. But it's also a lot safer than slipping further into my past. Depression triggered this relapse. And a good helping of PTSD triggers that have sent me spiraling into past memories, unwanted flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm trying to get support on both of those conditions as that's the only real way I'll be able to get consistent nutrition again.

I wish they didn't take ED-NOS out of the stupid DSM. It's very difficult for me to stay in the place of "yes, I have an eating disorder" when I don't fit the diagnostic criteria for any of them. So at least while I've got some rational thought, I wanted to state out loud that I'm struggling. And I don't really know how to stop. The things that worked before aren't working, and I have less people around me than ever before.