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Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7
Hazelgirl, how do you KNOW your T is wrong?
I ask this because I could have written much of your post. I have always had to be the "strong one" in my family, too. I have a hard time believing others like me or want to be around me because of my own feelings of unworthiness.
I have found myself disappointed by friends. Through the years I have come to realize it's not that they don't care about me, or our friendship, but more like they have their own issues and sometimes, (selfishly), don't think about anyone outside of themselves and this includes others, not just me.
I have to remind myself just because they don't respond the way I had hoped, doesn't mean they aren't a friend.
I believe it's important and valuable to have a conversation with your T about your concerns and what you shared here.
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I don't understand how they can think of each other, but totally ignore me. The Facebook world makes it much easier to see that they are all off hanging out with each other, having a great time (and I'm talking many of my friends all together), while I didn't receive any invitation. That's purposely excluding me. And I don't know why.
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Originally Posted by skies_
Didn't read all the posts before responding.
The people you are referring to--were they your friends before you started therapy? Before you got major depression? Maybe there is something in that...
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I have had major depression my whole life. I only started therapy a few years ago, but dealt with depression for many years before that. They don't ignore me because of my mental illness, although it would be easier to understand if they did.
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Originally Posted by JaneC
Hazel, this sucks. All of it. How you feel your 'friends' have treated you, and your therapist saying what she did(whether it was to be supportive or not), and how it has affected you right now.
I asked my therapist once if he only said nice things about me or to me because he was paid to? I told him I didn't believe him when he said no! I also told him I wanted him to be straight with me, and his response was, that he was honest with me and when he felt that it wouldn't hurt me significantly to do so he would point out when I said or did things that could be perceived by others as annoying or whatever.
I wasn't happy about that initially, but I now understand. Because if he took the direct route too soon, then our relationship potentially could have been ruined. It is still developing and in hindsight he was of course right. Maybe this is what your therapist is doing for/with you?
Also, I relate to much of what you say, and today I found out that I was excluded from an invitation to a group gathering by someone that I thought I got along ok with. It really stung! To be honest though, I sensed in the last week at uni there was a disconnect with this person, but I had no idea what I had done! You are not alone with these struggles. ANd I'll say again, it sucks.
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I've been seeing my T for over two and a half years. I know she can be more honest with me. I also don't think she's purposely lying, just being careful about what type of truth she shares, if that makes sense. If I directly asked her "why don't people like me? What is it about me that is so repulsive?" she may correct my word usage, and say there's nothing repulsive about me. But she would follow it up with "there's some things we all could work on". That's probably the closest thing to an answer I will get from her.
And it's one thing when one person doesn't invite you somewhere one time. That sucks, but you can survive. It's another thing entirely when no one invites you anywhere ever. And you spend your time staring at your "friend's" adventures on Facebook with each other while you sit at home.
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Originally Posted by Red75
Okay, I've waded through the whole thread (whole cup of tea!) and gone back to the start. Cos I read it that, when your t says that people do like you, and care about you, she probably means her. She's not assuming or implying that anyone else in your life does, she's just saying that she does. Might be way off, but that's how I have read it.
Re self injury...owwwwwww....hugs and germoline.....I do the sleepy bit after too. My friend now takes a sleeping tablet when she gets SI urges and sleeps it off, might be something to try?
I hear that you say no one likes you, and you don't know why. Whilst I'm sure that's not true, I'm not going to argue with you. I live thousands of miles from you and I've never met you. I guess if it was me, I might think about joining a brand new group, when I feel up to it. Maybe an art class or something? And say exactly what you've said here, I struggle to have friends, I feel I'm unlike able. I'd like to change that, but I can't til someone tells me what to do differently.
I'm also thinking of people I don't like, and why I don't like them, friends I've avoided...
Ummm, I avoid one friend because she talks about her self all the time, non stop. Witter witter. Ummm, another one is very melancholy, everything is miserable....and one is just really hot and cold, either on the phone wanting to have lunch like NOW, or don't hear for weeks.
Don't know if this is helpful. Probably not  just trying to be constructive.
One of my old friends ignored me, and I asked her why, she said it was because I talked about people behind their backs. I did used to, and I consciously changed that behaviour. This was years ago, I don't do it now (so much), although that criticism was devastating at the time, I'm grateful for her honesty.
I guess I'm saying that, I understand the confusion of not being liked, and I know it's not always helpful to be told that you are liked, if you still feel something is going wrong. I'm sure you are very likeable, and loveable Hazelgirl, and I hope that you find someone special who can show you that.
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The sleeping after SI is really weird. It's like I get all built up, then collapse into sleep. And it happens whether I SI or not, I will hit a point where I've just been so upset and emotionally worked up, that my mind hits a point where it just can't handle it anymore and I fall asleep. It's helpful because half the time I end up waking up in a totally different, and better, frame of mind. Yesterday, that didn't happen. But sometimes it does. But it is bizarre.
As for everything else, I really feel like I am horrible at talking to people or holding a conversation. I feel boring and dull and awkward, and I don't know what to say to people. My life is really boring and I am really shy. Out of the things you have listed, the only one that I could possibly relate to is the inconsistent one. I can be very inconsistent, thanks to things like depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. I don't want to do anything while those are happening.
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Originally Posted by tinyrabbit
I haven't read all the posts because I got a bit lost but I think you and your T are actually talking about two separate things here.
1. Whether you, as a person, are worth caring about and should naturally expect to be cared about.
Your answer to this is shaped by your beliefs about yourself and how you imagine other people regard you. Your T's answer to this is shaped by her experience of you. If you think negative things about yourself, they are beliefs and not facts. Your T can see through them!
2. Whether the people in your life right now are actually doing a good-enough job of caring about you.
Your answer to this is shaped by your experience of these people. Your T's answer to this is shaped by her beliefs about these people and how she imagines they might behave on the basis of what she knows about them and about you.
Thing is, this isn't cause and effect. It isn't the case that 1 if you are good-enough and worth caring about then 2 you will experience good-enough caring from other people. It's so easy to mix up your opinion of yourself with how other people treat you and assume that if you're being treated badly it's because there's something wrong with you. But if your relationships aren't good-enough, it doesn't mean you aren't good-enough.
So your T can be wrong about the quality of your relationships, as she hasn't seen and experienced them first hand. But she isn't wrong about the fact that you should expect to be cared for and that this should be happening.
If I was you, I think I'd probably tell my T that I find it invalidating and upsetting because she seems to be confusing whether you SHOULD be cared for and whether you ARE. The fact you should be doesn't mean you are, which is where she's going wrong.
The fact you aren't doesn't mean you shouldn't be, which is where you're going wrong.
Hope that makes some kind of vague sense...
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This did make a lot of sense and was extremely helpful. Thank you.
I try to make friends in other places, but I always end up in the same situation. Everyone acts nice to me, but excludes me from everything.
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Originally Posted by _Mouse
I think sitting with the feelings you have regarding others liking you or not would be more honest.
But, mature adults don't necessarily live in a B/W world where you're either liked 100% or disliked 100%. There's normally a mixture we feel about people.
My world view was like yours before therapy.
I attracted wounded people, because that was all I knew, if anyone stepped outside of my world view, ie, I met a healthier, mature adult, I didn't hang around them long because that challenged everything I understood.
Stepping outside our story, is very scary.
I can like someone sometimes, unyet dislike them too.
It's being able to bear that paradox where new life happens.
We are not bullied because we're horrible, we're bullied because it fits the role we have taken on. Abeit, unconsciously.
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Can you elaborate on your last comment about bullying? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.