I have been really working to try and stay positive. Me and my T are not working on any more abuse issues until I get back from my trip. However, most days in the past week have almost been unbearable.

I go to work, pretend everything is ok, an do what I need to do. I pop a few pills to get me through the day, try and spend time with my horses and then just want to crawl into bed, but I can't. I have a husband, that needs attention and a life, that I must continue to pretend is wonderful

The physical pain from being shot and the screwed up surgery is becoming unbearable... The last medicine I was on Zonegran, was really one of the last tries to control the pain, and it was working fairly well, but I had severe side effects, and was titrated off of it.. so now the pain is back full force. I can't lay on the left side of my head and my vision has started to decrease.. I have headaches constantly and have an appt with one of the best neurological specialist groups in the nation, however it takes a long time to get in so my appt is 12/23. I am suppose to call every week to see if there is cancellations so I can get in sooner... but I forget, not sure why but I do.

The trauma work I am going through with my T has becomes so overwhelming and it has almost engulfed me, so at this point I am just trying to learn to bring the better coping skills into play and try and leave the poor ones to the side.
I did have a protein drink yesterday and am trying to force one down today.. I know that food is necessary, but I just have so many issues with it, that when I get like this, I don't eat.
I am trying to control how many pills I take, but I need them for the pain, plus when I take them in a certain combination, I go numb.. and I like that feeling... me and my T have come up with a plan to try and control how many I take, it is working somewhat and I am trying...

But the pain at times both physically and emotionally combined is unbearable.... driving home the other night, to get to my home it is on a very winding road with lots of slow arrows and drop offs and big trees... I am not a suicidal type of person, but as I drove around each corner I kept thinking I could just go off the road and smash into one of those trees and it would all be over... a terrible accident , nothing more.. but of course, knowing my luck, I would just end up really hurt and have to deal with more pain... so I drove home and took more pills.

I am trying so hard... I want to live a life of happiness, I have so much more than so many and I should be happy. I am fortunate to have good health insurance and access to the best doctors. Yes, I have a GP (who really cares about me) a therapist, who after a year, I have finally started to trust to help me. I have a neurologist and am getting into one of the hardest groups to get into, I just need to be patient and try and make it until they can help me. I have an eye specialist who is working to monitor and try and save my sight... I have wonderful horses that keep me sane....... So why am I so unhappy, why do I struggle.... very few people know I feel this way, I just put on a mask and act as if everything is ok.

I know that the trauma work along with the upcoming trip home (I moved 2000 miles away from home, and haven't been home in two years) But my parents are aging and there are some issues I need to take care of, so I have to go out there. I kept the visit to 5 days... and I do so enjoy my younger brothers company.... I can do this.

I think it is just so overwhelming at times. I feel selfish and wrong to be feeling sorry for myself. I should be grateful for what I have, I should stop feeling sorry for myself... somehow I have to shake this off and find a way to make it through.....

My T said it will get worse, before it gets better.... but I didn't expect it to get this bad.... at this moment, I can't remember any of the trauma work we have done... after my last panic attack and how bad it was... I have just shut the emotions down. Sometimes it comes in handy... whether it is considered maladaptive or not... I am finding right now the ability to separate and compartmentalize is the only way I can cope right now.

I know I need to eat, but just can't... food is the enemy right now.. I know it is not, but trying to convince myself to eat is not working. All I want to do is crawl into bed, take enough meds to just shut the world out stop the physical and emotional pain and go to bed..... but I won't, I have commitments, I have made promises to people and so I will go on...

If they only knew how close to me absolutely loosing it and how fragile I was and how crazy my mind is, they would run away from me and think I belonged in a nut house... so I pretend, I act like all is ok, and I go on.

I need to spend time with the horses today, but I can't even seem to get myself there.....

I am sorry for being so pitiful and sounding like a cry baby... I am stupid for not appreciating what I have.... I need to be happy, but I just can't seem to find a way out of the nightmare that is my life (that no one but my T and this forum know about). I can't let people see who I really am, for if they do... they will run away from the monster that lies within me.

Again, I am sorry I am whinny and acting pitiful.... I am selfish to feel sorry for myself... I need to get over this!