((Jane)),

It's ok, and actually "good" that you continue to verbalize the things that challenge you.
What you have discribed is that when you are interacting with certain types of men you get "stressed" and feel "unsafe" and even "aggitated". This reaction is "normal" because you have experienced some big challenges and genuine "threats" from men in your past and you have "yet" to work through these experiences to where you can finally gain a sense of "empowerment" and "self confidence" around men. This is something many women are challenged with and it takes time to work through the "triggers" that come forward and slowly dismantle them by developing new skills when you feel uncomfortable.

I have these challenges myself and I get triggered all the time because I am married to and live with my husband who presented me with challenges that led to my feeling "unsafe" and he did "verbally abuse" me and blame "me" when it was not "me" that really had the problem. Wow Jane, just this year alone I have finally learned about "how" my husband struggles with two disabilities "compulsive ADHD and dyslexia" and how that challenges him that ends up being taken out on me. And don't forget that I was also very challenged by a lawyer and literally trapped with him for over 5 years as he was declining mentally into dementia. I tried to get away from him and at the same time getting worse and worse with PTSD symptoms with no help for a while either. Then I had to deal with my neighbor, also a man who continued to "intrude" on me and in all cases I was often ALONE when having to deal with these challenges, where he would pop up and startle me when I was alone and out trying to feed and care for my ponies, I still am very uncomfortable when I go out there by myself all the time tbh. I know very intimately what you are discribing of how you react too. At least you can be alone when you need to have space and focus on working through this challenge, I have not had that and often when I spend a day with my husband, I am totally exhausted. Oh, Jane, I don't know what I am going to do, I can't change the fact that my husband has these challenges that are not his fault, that he does get "stressed out" and can't sit still or gets very short tempered with me when he is under stress. I never know what he is going to be like when he comes through that door either, it is such a challenge for me now.

It took a lot of courage for me to post a thread about my challenge with my husband too. I felt "guilty" and that I was doing something wrong because he struggles with something he can't help. I feel like I should be "grateful" that he stopped drinking and has been sober and that he works very hard and has provided and does "try". I feel like if I am honest about the behavior patterns he has with his compulsive ADHD that I am not respecting that "disability" and being "forgiving" enough. However, I find myself wishing that I had been able to learn about that "challenge" of his years ago instead of just living with the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde even in sobriety.

Jane, all you can do is brave it and continue to allow yourself to talk these challenges out, even if you somehow feel you should not. It's just time for you to finally work through these challenges so you can understand it all better and work on finally overcoming "whatever hurts" you have dealt with on your own. That is what I am trying to do as well, I realize that I deserve to get the help I need to finally "heal".

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE