Last night, I was supposed to stay at a girls house, who I am not dating this girl. I don't trust anyone for dating, I'm doing this slowly being friends. Things got heated the last time she came over and we almost had sex at my place, but she doesn't have sex on the first date, what threw me off is that I'm not dating her.
I text her yesterday about me coming over, she unexpectedly had company so I said ok after getting mad about something else it didn't help my mood. So I also explained I wasn't angry at her, just I had to put up with a lot of crap this week so don't take it personally. I went to a bday party for a woman who turned a 100 she's a nice person, but then I leave there and go to meet up with my friend in the hood at a local pizza restaurant. I go with him go to our friend's house, I am always the comedy relief and the guy that makes everyone laugh and happy it's very very easy for me being funny. I get to the other girls house who I'm starting a strange friendship on mutual understanding of what our loneliness is I want to be around her more, but I don't want to date her, I think she obviously would think the same thing. ""I have this innate feeling people I like naturally I want to have sex with them, but I hate it at the same time, because it happens to every girl I talk to that I am not only physically attracted to, but emotionally it gets in the way of my friendships, even though I don't push myself on them. I keep myself quiet and outgoing on the superficial level, but not being superficial just relaxed and hiding my true feelings because I don't want people to know me, I always do that to everyone.""
Anyways I get to her place, I didn't have my hookah, but I decided to drink some wine, crap 42 vodka with an energy drink sharing it with her. We goof around talking about whatever, she is fun to talk to for me at least. I mean she can be skep because she isn't an addict on drugs, but she does stuff like coke, ectasy, and stuff I don't like but tried molly a lot. She has an eating disorder like me and I don't know her too well, except hanging out with her a lot with my close friends who know her longer than I do.
It bothers me, most girls I meet are either on drugs killing themselves, having problems and taking no responsibility showing they don't care or to feel like if they don't give a **** about a guy or girl anyone, they have to think they are tough, because society makes it normal to do so.

So I have a good time at their house, go back to my friend's place, call the girl I was supposed to spend the nights at, a guy picks up the phone he's like whose this? I'm like, it's me dylan, but he's like immediately escalated. "Are you ****ing my girl?" I was so tired and sick from the booze and being more than depressed and lonely this specific week, I said out of impulse, "what's it to you?" He was like, "I'm going to kick your *** you mother****er, you are going to die you creeping as breathing on the phone *****!" Saying **** and I didn't know if this was forreal or not, she picks up the phone and says he was just joking, but it didn't sound like it. I felt sick to my stomach, because I wanted someone to be here for me, I don't have that, my sister does with her friends, my mom does, my dad.
I don't, I don't got anyone, and my point is for this story. I don't get sad all the time about this, it's recently made me depressed, because I'm depressed about existing. I plan on if I don't get out of where I'm at till I'm in my late twenties I'm killing myself, because of not wanting to go on with feeling like I'm behind a window trying to scream out to someone to hear me and be with me as a close friend and don't leave like everyone when they always do. Accepting, I won't get the support most people have on social media, with their friends and family they take for granted. I get ignored 24/7 now, I don't know why other than that they are busy a lot.
I don't want to die old, because I'd be alone the only person who'd be with me is some intern nurse at a nursing home telling me how I should live my life soiling my sheets in a bed along. No way in hell, I'll have alzheimer's like my grandma after going through the hell I am now and expect to die happy like that. No I'm cutting it before I turn thirty, because I can't have a quality relationship, I only have quantity.
I want someone to know me more than me and actually do not say they do. I want someone who isn't bringing their drama anymore to me because I won't bring mine either if they stop being fake. I can't feel safe, I can't say I love you, because I won't mean it, I want to know what it feels like to mean it for once. Not just push everyone away who is trying to use me for their time of BS talking about their sex life or their relationship or life problems and they are just strangers.
Seriously what gets me my therapists, medications, drs, hospitalizations, won't cure my loneliness, no gf's friends or family will cure it. I'm doing all I can to cope and cure it with little things, but that's all I can do. I feel like people expect too much from me, what gets me when girls tell me. "You have to love yourself before someone loves you." It hurts me like a knife everytime I hear that about me, because I do, just it's hard to love yourself when people don't show that they want to be around you for real instead of faking it or feel like someone is for once going to stay but they always leave. Not getting the attention, because I'm a guy, and the ignorance and arrogance of people gets ahead of themselves so they push themselves on others including me and expecting me to have to carry it. So when I'm told that, I say, "That's not going to happen, because I'm not talking about myself." I'm talking about like now I love myself, but what good does it do when no one shows they love you when you do. I feel lied to all the time, by my parents, my family and friends. One day I'll be dead and no one really wouldn't had noticed or seemed to care, because they would act like they always do.
So if I ever had a girlfriend, I had to be seriously messed up on drugs or alcohol to actually believe that. You may be upset, "Oh I ruined the love of my life my bf/gf. Everyone is trying to help drama" but I don't have that at all. So appreciate people still love you and want you around. I'm close to ending it because of the lack of sincerity and people who want to be around deep down. I am not living alone anymore, I felt more peaceful not existing than living. So anyone says I got to feel guilty for the people who may love me or not keep it to yourself. I'm more aware how they would feel. I've been put in the deepest circle pits of hell, so I'm embracing I'm not afraid to die anymore and all I want is to wait to die and give the middle finger to everyone before I give my last breath.