zinco14532323, those words I bolded, darn it, they define me. I wanted to rescue my mom and fix her, it was a need, a compulsion, a duty, an obligation, some of it came from her and my dad but also some of it came from me, I can't stand to see so much suffering and so much pain. In a family that I felt ignored and sometimes overvalued, I had found something I thought I was good at and could help. Part of it was fear because my mom would have rage episodes and sometimes I even felt both parents would "gang up" on me. In my naive stupidity of being a child, I would want to help mom and get close to her and since she was not good with her boundaries, she'd let me in too much, then somehow I would do something that would hurt her or she would be uncomfortable with that closeness and my dad would be mad at me. I was scapegoated often and later even came to value that role. I would sacrifice myself for the harmony, I would disappear, I would take all the hate, but all so that I would matter in that family...alas.

I so wish I was not a sensitive kid. I could just go out and play every time there was a fight or something. Instead I had to be in my stupid room studying my stupid subjects, overhearing them and part of my mind that feared conflict and so badly wanted peace and harmony, searching for a way I could be useful. It was almost too easy to fit in that position, to be my mother's husband. Dad was always away working and when present, not emotionally there. He treated us mostly as if we were his customers or coworkers. I think mom was treated mostly the same way. He was not horrible, he did not beat her, but they had conflicts all the time, and I was exposed to a lot of her saying she wanted to kill herself, or threatening my dad with a knife or something talking about sort of a family suicide, like she going and taking us with her.

So in the middle of all this craziness, I found a role that fit me well. I probably felt I was more powerful than I actually was. Ignoring a few needs and attending to mom felt good, I mattered, I was rescuing her, I was needed. Then years went by and she changed, becoming less emotional and less unstable (mostly because of age and also kids growing up and also she severed some bonds with her own family and friends). And I looked around to find myself in my 30s with nothing to show to my name, with no sense of myself. It was horrifying! I felt anger at nobody having my back but also felt angry at myself for being duped. I realized I had not really mattered as much and the rescue thing, I thought too much of my own importance, my mom and dad would have been okay. They would have found a way. Or maybe they wouldn't but who cares? It was not my duty, not my job. I screwed up big time. I intruded into their boundaries, I did not take responsibility for my own stuff (why the hell did I quit college and come home last time?), and now I'm left with a lot of resentment and feeling I don't matter and nobody cares about me.

I gained almost a hundred pounds, I was "self medicating" with food and some prescribed meds too. It was not until I physically separated a few years ago, that I started to lose the weight. But now I'm left with deep depression. The past follows me like a shadow. Like you said, it's not just about physical separation. It's the stuff we learned. It's the stuff we ourselves picked up because we thought it makes us more like our family. But this separation feels too painful (it's the first time I'm trying to be separate and yet compassionate and close, so not run away and not hurt myself, trying to be mature about it all...). I'm afraid of starting any relationship. I don't trust my own judgment. What if I go after a girl with a lot of troubles and try to "rescue" her again? What if I repeat the patterns again (like before)? I'm not sure if I can get up again if I fall down one more time.

Anyhow, thank you so much for your post, I felt like you understood some of the things I was experiencing and it made me open up.

p.s. btw what is that beautiful bird in your avy?