I've had sui thoughts for quite a while, on and off for thirty years and more. I made a couple of serious attempts, but after the second time I've always found a way to stay safe. The thoughts have been around again for three years now but I've always believed that I could stay safe.

At 2.12pm yesterday I made a decision, that to get some temporary relief from the sui thoughts I needed to self harm. I couldn't do it right away as I wasn't alone, but the thought calmed me a lot. The anxiety subsided and I actually felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. As soon as I was alone, I went to the place where I knew there was an implement and got to the point where I was just about to act. I was distracted for a moment but that was enough to stop me. I decided that I would rather tell my doc that I had been close to acting but stopped than to show him the injuries. I see my doc later on this afternoon so I haven't too long to wait.

The other thoughts are back now, worse than ever and really violent too, I normally think about a passive exit but now all the violent options are filling my head. This is a warning that I ignored before. I think all the violent thoughts are to make the normally unacceptable thoughts acceptable, so I choose to OD as it isn't as bad as the stuff I'm thinking about. That's how it went 25 years ago.

Sorry for all of this, the thoughts are constant. I don't think that the risk is imminent, I have a plan but not the means, but I don't feel safe. I'm not confident that help will be available when I see my doctor. To be sure of help I actually need to self harm (stupid I know but that's another story). I have no idea how I'm going to get through this, my anxiety level has just hit the roof thinking that I might not get help. I need some distraction.