Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe
I've had sui thoughts for quite a while, on and off for thirty years and more. I made a couple of serious attempts, but after the second time I've always found a way to stay safe. The thoughts have been around again for three years now but I've always believed that I could stay safe.
At 2.12pm yesterday I made a decision, that to get some temporary relief from the sui thoughts I needed to self harm. I couldn't do it right away as I wasn't alone, but the thought calmed me a lot. The anxiety subsided and I actually felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. As soon as I was alone, I went to the place where I knew there was an implement and got to the point where I was just about to act. I was distracted for a moment but that was enough to stop me. I decided that I would rather tell my doc that I had been close to acting but stopped than to show him the injuries. I see my doc later on this afternoon so I haven't too long to wait.
The other thoughts are back now, worse than ever and really violent too, I normally think about a passive exit but now all the violent options are filling my head. This is a warning that I ignored before. I think all the violent thoughts are to make the normally unacceptable thoughts acceptable, so I choose to OD as it isn't as bad as the stuff I'm thinking about. That's how it went 25 years ago.
Sorry for all of this, the thoughts are constant. I don't think that the risk is imminent, I have a plan but not the means, but I don't feel safe. I'm not confident that help will be available when I see my doctor. To be sure of help I actually need to self harm (stupid I know but that's another story). I have no idea how I'm going to get through this, my anxiety level has just hit the roof thinking that I might not get help. I need some distraction.
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Hello The OriginalMe: I would guess you've seen your doc by now. (?) I have also made two serious suicide attempts & I have ongoing suicidal thoughts. I don't think I'm in danger at the present time, although since both of my major attempts were spur-of-the-moment decisions, I feel as though I can never be sure. I just mention this as a way of suggesting I have some idea where you're coming from.
You mentioned you didn't think you'd receive any help from your doc. Did you? Did you share with her / him what's going on with you? I know how difficult this process can be. I have difficulty being honest with my pdoc. I just seem to automatically paste on a smile when I enter his office. Then I proceed to tell him everything's okay, whether it is or not. And my pdoc, for his part, accepts my charade & sends me on my way with instructions to come back again in 3 months. Sometimes I think I'd have to show up with blood soaking my shirt to get anywhere else with him. Then he'd probably tell me to come back in 2 months!
The problem with all of this, TheOriginalMe is, I don't know for how long one can hold up under continuous onslaughts of suicidal ideation. I know you said you don't think you're in immanent danger. But you also said you don't feel safe & your anxiety level has hit the roof. These, it seems to me, are not good signs. So I hope you were surprised when you saw your doc & you really did receive the help you need. But, if not, I hope there is some other way in which you can get help. One can only stand being tortured for so long, even if that torture is coming from within.
