I had that death wish.....& I had tried other suicide attempts.....then when anorexia hit me as the prozac that I was taking for the depression caused me to have no appetite & no desire to eat & I realized that anorexia would have less stigma & wouldn't be considered as suicide for my daughter.....my anorexia had more of a death wish than anything else the first time......& I really didn't care much the second time after going through a trauma that triggered it 9 years later........I had no idea at that time (probably not thinking clearly but then none of my pdoc nor T saw it either)...but being trapped in a bad marriage was really what caused me to have that death wish but the passive way through anorexia felt the best thing for my daughter to deal with as anorexia is not directly tied to what is considered an active suicide attempt.

I am thankful that I no longer feel that way....& my relationship with God has definitely changed over the years since I left my bad marriage so I'm glad that I wasn't successful in any of the attempts I made (think God had a lot to do with that).....but I still struggle with stress causing me to have problems eating & then I start loosing weight & it's like I can't stop when it gets started & I have to seriously focus on eating then but living alone, I can't afford to loose so much weight that I can't take care of myself & my dogs.....so that's what keeps me trying to stay as healthy as I possibly can & keep my weight at a safe level.

For the first week at the treatment center I was put in, they had me on 24/7 someone in my room because I had no desire to live & I had already had many suicide attempts & they I must had said something about not caring or wanting to live so they were determined not to allow it to happen there at the ED treatment center & they had no idea what I might have tried.

I am so thankful to be free from those feelings & free from the bad marriage.....but it doesn't cure the issues at times with eating.