hey. he sent me a txt on monday night. something about being sorry he didn't reply to my emails within a reasonable time. that he tried to reply (yeah, probably that night), but he was having problems sending. that he hoped i would go to our session on tuesday. i txted him back that i'd see him tomorrow.

he was late. not by much, just a couple minutes. the front door was locked so i sat down across the road and by the time i'd rolled a cigarette he had arrived. he said that he didn't want to overkill the apologies... but he was sorry. i was like 'well, it was supposed to be your time off, its ok'.

he said that he thought we had bonded but that things felt very disconnected today. i said i was sorry. that i was trying he said i didn't need to be sorry. that he wasn't upset with me. that it wasn't a criticism. i said i knew he wasn't criticising me. but that i was unhappy with myself.

he says 'i don't think that x is what is needed but... x'. he does that a lot.

i guess he couldn't win really. i told him that k was hurt and a was angry and w thought we shouldn't go back. he asked if i wanted to do a visualisation exercise to feel the feeling a bit. i declined. he said it was okay if they wanted to write to him. i said 'i think we are all done with writing for a while'.

i dunno. numb. horrible horrible intense emotions. they don't seem to have a mute. i wish they would just go away.

he seems to focus on certain things and ignore the rest. his stuff, i guess. his stuff. he focuses on telling me how he isn't going to burn out. i did mention that past therapists have... but mostly (in the emails) i talked about feeling insignificant. he didn't seem to pick up on the latter, he just got the former. he said he would only terminate me if he felt like he was physically in danger. i know there are other things that he jolly well should terminate me on, however. then he said 'oh, and if i thought my family was in danger'. a bit of dwelling on that. is he purposely trying to hurt me? unthinking.

all the rest of the stuff in the emails... all the big risks i took there were just passed over and ignored. yeah right i'm gonna let them write to him. we %#@&#! did that already and it didn't work out so there it is.

he seems to want me to get mad at him. whatever. i don't feel anything. see him on tuesday... but... i'm starting to think this might not work out all that well after all.