Ah the familiar anxiety is back.

You know what's crazy? How fast the anxiety came back as soon as I got to work after 6 weeks away. It was like those 6 weeks hadn't happened, that I somehow didn't have a breakdown. I don't even know if that's what it was, but it certainly felt like one. The day before I returned there was a company meeting in which I was recognized for my 5 year work anniversary. I wasn't the only one that was recognized, but I had the added task of explaining that I was on medical leave, and yes I was okay, and congrats on the work anniversary, blah blah blah. I don't think I've spoken that much to ANYONE since before my little breakdown. It was exhausting, and was the reason why I ran outside for some solitude on my break.

So what is different now? I'm poorer, since disability doesn't pay much, but hey it's not like I had the will to brush my teeth much less go outside and spend money that I didn't have. I have medication now, but I have to deal with the side effects. I might need a dosage increase, actually.

I think what's changed is my outlook. I'm still depressed and anxious. I think I may have become more anxious in some ways, tbh. It's almost like taking this (very much needed) time off has made me realize that yes I have MI, and yes I have to take medication. Not that I'm special or anything, because so many people do. But I guess I finally accept that I have it. It's almost like the depression is real, because I had to take time out of my life to deal with it. I don't know if that makes sense.

I knew I was depressed and anxious, but even after all this time, I thought of it as a character flaw; as if it was something I could control if I just kept fighting it. And yeah, I'm still fighting, but I am finding that the medication is helping. And telling a select few family members and friends has helped make depression less of a looming invisible monster but it's made it more tangible, in a way. And look, I somehow have a support system now, sort of. Misunderstandings are there, but I guess that goes with the territory.

I'm sitting here, dreading going in to work tomorrow. I want to never go back, but I have to pay bills. I have to keep this job for the health insurance, at least for now. How am I going to survive this? I don't know but I will try. Sorry that this post was all over the place, I'm kind of in a weird mood.