((Jane)),

I am sorry I did not see this right away for you, there is such a time difference between us where I am sleeping while you are struggling and need "support".

I am so sorry that you went through what you have discribed here. I had challenges too and look back and wonder "why" I stayed too. What I can say though is that finally being away from that experience that I went through and being with a therapist that understands more of what I was experiencing and what it meant has been much more helpful, I did not have that back then. I also realize that some of "why" I stayed is because of how "my mother stayed" when my father treated her badly. The bottom line is that "I had unknowingly learned how to be a victim". I had learned to live the cycle of abuse "all my life" tbh, I just had not realized it. It is "someone is bad" and then the honeymoon where they behave, until they are bad again, that is what I have dealt with ALL my life.

Jane, believe it or not, this kind of syndrome happens to A LOT OF WOMEN. This is something that takes place in a lot of families on different levels. This can be perpetrated by either parent too. It is something they see take place growing up and grow to think that this behavior is "normal to a relationship" too.

However, this isn't just "you" or your problem, if you really pay attention to society and our culture, women were always expected to be "submissive" and "less than" their male partners. Some cultures are still "extreme" with this belief even "now". While you have an "extreme PTSD" sensitivity to this challenge, MANY WOMEN still deal with this challenge and stress in their every day life, they just are not dealing with PTSD.

The way dysfunction takes shape in the home from this challenge can vary too. Often the children are not given the permission to have emotional needs and this can present many challenges later in their adult lives, you are actually seeing this in your own family that is "still" not capable of giving you the "support" and "caring" that you wish they would. Think about it, who has come and interacted in this forum that talks about getting the love and support they need from their family members? You are in your 40's and struggling, but believe me, you are not alone.

Jane, when you discribe locking yourself in a bedroom being afraid, I LIVED THAT TOO. Honestly, now that I look back with what I know now, WHY DID I STAY? I was a good mother, but I was ALONE with that and the relationship I had with my husband and HIS issues was the main thing that consistently challenged the way I wanted to parent my child.

I remember when President Clinton got caught cheating, that was a big deal, WHAT DID HILARY DO? She "stood by her man" remember? What did she show "all" women to do? She even "self blamed" and said that it was her fault because she had not been emotionally available to him. Well, I don't think he was looking for that when he cheated, no, he was just being a "selfish jerk" and I am willing to bet he did not change his behaviors, he just was much more discreate. There was/is a lot of this taking place Jane, so don't for one minute think "you" are the only woman that "stayed" when you should have left a bad dysfunctional relationship.

Jane, you are one among "many" women that were challenged and stayed, so do not think that you are "exceptional" and more of a failure than others, because that is simply not the "truth". Look at Mowtown's mother, she stayed and her own daughters "protected the abuser" in his family, he was THE ONLY ONE that wanted to change that and do the right thing for his mother.

You deserve to "grieve" these experiences, but you don't deserve to "self blame" Jane. You need to be able to talk about it, just as many others do too, and be helped to understand that "yes" you suffered abuse and like many other women, you did not really know what to do about it, because that is the "truth".

(((Big Caring Hugs of I hear you Jane, it's not your fault))))
OE