I've read a couple of threads here questioning "why therapy" or somthing similar, and it got me thinking why I entered therapy.

Well I can't "name" the reason exactly but I know my quest for sanity begun many yrs before I finally found therapy. It begun with my first alcoholic drink aged 15, my suicide attempts aged 18, my first required physch appointment where the guy didn't have a clue, asked me If I could stop drinking for 2 weeks then come back and see him again.

I did this, I returned to see him again hoping for this "cure" for what I dont know, and he let me down, he told me it was good that I had managed to stop drinking for 2weeks and we chatted about a few things and that was that.

Needless to say he'd forgot to take into account that though I could stop drinking, I couldn't stay stopped. But I guess I had just wasted his time.

Speed forward a few yrs and the same excercise got repeated, drunkeness, lost jobs, violence and back in a hospital bed and yet again see a physch and was told that I had a chemical addiction and should inform my GP about this.

Repeat this behaviour so many times and finally after yrs and yrs I awake on morning realising that If I don't stop drinking, my life will continue exactly as it is, the pain, the maddness, and I find AA, in AA a lady tells me about a treatment centre, I attend the treatment prog where I also recieve 1 on 1 counselling, the counsellor seemed very nice, she even sent me a poem she had written because she wanted me to see that my feelings weren't alien, she had them too.

Then one day in treatment I verbaally go mad, I scream at the counsellor because he is lecturing how we must trust what long time sober members in AA tell us. Well my head is screaming, THIS IS WRONG!!!the counsellor looses his temper with me, and then realises he let me get to him in a session in front of others and to safe face asks me to stay behind to talk.

We talk, he mentions about me being an adult adoptee and says i have an attachment disorder and says that it is apparent by just looking at me that the 1 on 1 counselling has done nothing what so ever to help me and says leave it to him he will get me some phone numbers of someone that deals with adoption.

He does keep his word, he says it was hard finding someone that deals with adult adoptee issues, adult attachment disorder gets called Bordlerline personlity Disorder but there are differences, anyway he gives me a phone number of a lady to ring, he says shes private, but his not sure of my financial situation but to phone her anyway.

I ring her, she arranges a time to meet, we meet, I remember sitting almost curled up in the corner with images of monsters coming out of my head, I had never felt as much emtional pain as I did at this time in my life, no alcohol to medicate the pain and it was badddddddddddddd I would walk along the street ready to run out in front of a bus, or I'd sit in tube stations daring myself to jump, my hope was dwindling very very fast.

That was 2 half yrs ago, I think my life has changed 360 degrees, I just knew inside I needed some sort of outside help, I had no way to do that by myself. My way hadn't worked, the drinking the pain away hadn't worked. I didn't know life could become a pleasure, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THIS, I know this more now!

My fantasy was once, sitting with the park alkies, I really envied them at one point, my pain was so bad that I wanted to just drink all day and all night, I believed they had found a way to deal with the pain, I know now they haven't, I have found the way to deal with the pain and is working.

Thats why I started therapy, not to help me decide what colour to dedcorate my home, but to save my frigging life.