Mowtown,

Often with PTSD there is a main fear that someone is challenged by, that is the foundation for the wolf.

With myself, it was always my boundaries and protecting my things, things I had that were important to "me" as a person, things I managed to create on my own somehow.
I suffered through many bad experiences where things I had done/created/were important to me were either taken from me or badly jeopordized in some way. I know stress very well in my life, I suffered a stress break down because I stood and watched so much of what I worked so hard for just destroyed, damaged in so many ways I never even imagined tbh.

What I see about you is that your main "wolf" was failure and that was something your father constantly put upon you. How is any child supposed to grow up "stress free" after growing up that way? That is what you are struggling with the most right now and is your "main source of stress" where you get triggered Mowtown.

I am so sorry you experienced that troubled childhood, because you surely never deserved to have these deep fears instilled in you this way. You were never, nor are you now a "criminal" in any way. There is such a big part of me that wants to reach out to that little boy, pick him up and put on my lap and comfort him and tell him that none of his feelings or fears are his fault and that he is and always has been a good boy. That is what your mother should do, but, she just doesn't know how to do it. I am sure she loves you, but I don't think she really realizes the gravity of how you struggle, and unfortunately neither do your sisters.

I think it is important that you be able to vent this "main stress" that you struggle with, but what's more important is that you keep hearing "why" it is there and that it is not a reality with you, that you feel this way because of how your father kept throwing that at you and you did not have any help with that, but instead you had to keep quiet.

Off and on here in the forum we talk about "the wise mind", and you do have it too. But you have not truely stepped away from that hurt little boy's fears with this wise mind. Your circumstances right now are "stressful" and your wise mind is being drowned out by that "main stress" that you had always "feared" in your life.

You "have" survived in spite of growing up with a very "sick abusive" person. You have to finally grow past the "hurt" that caused you and I know that is "hard". When you have these strong feelings, it's ok to talk about them, but just because these strong feelings are there doesn't mean you have to "believe" them, it means you need to finally "heal" from experiencing them.