My T has never used the word boundaries. I don't think he has to because when it comes to me, forget about crossing the boundaries-- I don't even come within a 10 ft. radius of them, lol. In fact, I think the closest he has ever come to discussing something boundary related is to attempt to actually lessen the barrier that I place between us, i.e. telling me 42,396 times that I can call him any time. It's interesting because as a future T, I consciously respect his boundaries. However, in my unconscious I'm crossing boundaries all over the place. It's hard to cross boundaries with a psychoanalyst, lol. It's hard to understand that he can be so unattainable, yet so available at the same time. As I write this, I can see that I have yet to find a balance; have yet to find a gray area. I think a lot of this comes from the way I grew up-- my mom was always very, very lazy. She never did much of anything, but when I would ask her to do something, she would always (and still does) act like it is such a bother. She acts as if you are asking her to do the most complicated, enormous thing ever-- how could you possibly ask her to do such a thing?? It is so exasperating and hurtful, so eventually I just learned not to ask. Not to depend. When I 1st met my mother-in-law, I was always afraid to "bother" her. She always wanted to get together, talk, go shopping, even buy me things. I wasn't used to it. I would be so careful because I didn't want to "annoy" her by crossing any boundaries. Eventually I learned that it was okay to get close because she wanted me to. We now have a wonderful relationship, and I am closer to her than I ever was to my own mother. It's still weird for me though. I think this is what might be happening with my T. I don't want to "bother" him or step anywhere close to the boundaries. I am the type of person who likes to have boundaries set; not because for fear that I might cross them, but because it gives me more of a good reason not to. I almost wish he would tell me that I am not permitted to call at certain times-- that the message has to be x amount of minutes long, that he will only call back under certain conditions. The premise that I can call anytime and say whatever I want on the voicemail (he has even specified that if I need to curse him out on there, to go ahead), is too overwhelming for me.

Thank you, Almeda, for starting this topic. I needed it. And now I'm going to print out this entry and bring it with me to my session today for some reference. I know what I want to talk about now.