Hi:
It's hard to start. So I will start with the subject of my father's abuse.

My father has been abusive to me all my life. I don't see him much because of this. But, now he is very sick and so I email him and try to call. His wife (not my mom) gives me a hard time every time. When I call, she says he is busy. He is retired! He gets on phone, she listens in, laughs in background, comments etc. so I stopped calling him.

Then I sent emails .. he never gets them. I called today to ask again and he says he never gets my emails. I know that she is deleting them. I don't say anything to that. I figure there is no way to talk to him. Why would I want to? Because he is close to death.

So, today,, again, he makes me feel like a garage. I call, talk to her and ask if I can talk to him. I tell him "did you get this email, the card I sent, the prayer I sent and he tells me I must be sending to wrong place. No way. Same email for 20 years. I know she deletes. Very controlling. Both of them.

So, I finally say ... or I start to say .. if this is the last time I ever get to talk to you (and he interrupts me and tells me I am threatening him). I say I am not ... (what I am trying to do is be kind and say some kind last words). I don't get the chance. He insists I am threatening him. I say I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence and that I am trying to tell you that I don't get through to you ... it is hard by phone and my emails don't get through ... and he says YOU HAVE THIS CAPACITY TO TURN EVERYTHING TO EVIL. What???? I am not evil.

He abused me when I lived at home and it was really hard to forgive. It was physical, emotional and verbal and I feared him. He even used the belt.

Im trying to get closure with this man and there is no way. I finally said "goodbye" because he said "Do you want ME to stop" ... meaning him to stop calling me????

Then I lost it and told him HE is the evil one and he is an abuser and he screams out to his wife (not my Mom) "am I an abuser". So I hang up and again, I feel like what is wrong with me. I was trying to do right by him.

He has said mean things to me in my adult life like you are "damaged goods" and other stuff.

I don't even know why I, again, feel so bad that I am sitting here crying and feeling like a failure. From when I was a young child, he always made me feel badly about myself. He criticized my Mom all the time (and she is a wonderful mother) and I was scared to death of the times he would hit me, sometimes using a belt. He made fun of me when other kids did, he would repeat the names they called me and he would laugh.

I know everyone is thinking why not just cut him off? Because he is near death (a couple years .. a year ... he is very very old. He is not senile so I know he knows that he is saying to me. It is like he is the enemy of his own daughter.Why am I the one who ended up attacked and feeling so unloved and like garbage again today? It must be me. I ask for this by even calling him.

Later on, he sent an email saying "I found two emails from you and I will respond in future to what is necessary and in a short way". So, bamb! He does it again! He is telling ME that he is going to have limited contact with me.
Oh, I get it. I said things he does not want to hear so he is going to limit contact.

I don't want his love. I know he is very limited. I know he has hurt others too. He and stepmom have lost most of their friends and both brothers don't like them but put up with the crap. They have said stuff to others that is nasty. They are quite the pair.

All I wanted was closure so I would not feel guilty when he dies. I wanted my last words to be nice ones from my side of it. I never got to say it because he acted up again. The ending here is not what I wanted. I wanted to say "I saw the good in you, also" or something like that. Now my chance is over. I guess I could send a letter by registred mail as he would have to sign for it? Is there any way to stop her from deleting his mail? He is so computer illiterate, I think he believes the emails don't get to him. Or else, now he is deleting them all.

Too confused here and wondering why I am confused. I should not be confused. I should not feel like it is my fault. The problem is I always stand up to the abuse. Unlike my brothers who allow it and let it go because he is old. He is not demented. He has full faculties.

Sorry for posting so much and so long. When abuse is happening to me ... in the moment ... I get confused. Later on, I see it. Can anyone relate to that "in the moment" confusion and inability to see that you are being abused until AFTER it happens. To think that it is YOU and not them? To feel badly and wonder what you did wrong?

Thanks and sorry for the too long post.