I’ve previously been treated for extreme anxiety and depression, as expressed most strongly through the phenomenon known as “racing thoughts.” I stopped medication and treatment about a year ago because the racing thoughts had stopped, the anxiety had stopped enough that all I needed were benzos as needed (1 mg Lorazepam a few times a month), and the depression was under control through natural means-- regular exercise, good diet, healthy habits, etc. Now it seems that something similar to racing thoughts is happening, though it’s more intense, so much so I’d call it dissociation. The thing is, it only happens while I’m sexually active. This could be as simple as just making out. I’ve looked this up online and it seems almost always to be connected to sexual or personal trauma or abuse. I’ve got none of that in my history. I generally really enjoy sexual encounters, and in this present situation, I’m enjoying it and actually feel frustrated, afraid, and confused when I begin to dissociate.

It’s extremely difficult to put into words what happens, as was the case with racing thoughts. I do remember the last time better than usual, though (this dissociation during sexual activity has slowly developed and become worse over the past couple of years). The dissociation was so strong that I almost felt as if I was entering an alternate universe. It was also so strong that I nearly made a comment out loud concerning the other universe (Imagine how my partner would have responded!) In this other universe/reality, there was a sense of some reality, but it couldn’t be described simply as “I was daydreaming” because there weren’t exactly events moving in a linear fashion. It was more a huge collection of sentiments and thoughts all happening and flickering simultaneously. I’ll report it in a linear fashion as well as I can, by describing various details. For one, I was with my partner in an art gallery. A really nice one. We were looking at paintings of what I could be describe as cubist trees or a cubist forest. A lot of geometry and triangles and various shapes in dark greens, blues, and black. The paintings were absolutely huge. We were talking about them with people wandering around the gallery. All at the same time, though, my brain was highly, insanely, hugely analyzing/describing/philosophically examining the lines and shapes and dimensions of each painting down to almost microscopic proportions. This is something that has happened before in previous dissociation/racing thoughts-- excessive analysis of something usually not analyzed, such as a flea market, marks on a table, or grocery store set-up. I mean, it’s like my brain is working in a completely heightened, advanced state in analyzing something we don’t even analyze in this reality. It feels almost genius, but I can’t put it into words and in our reality, as I said, it seems completely insane or useless.

As I said, this past time was by far the worst. It was as if I was on the verge of fully entering this alternate state, so much so I almost said “You’re a good painter” out loud. I almost wanted to stop everything that was happening and just lie still until the dissociation stopped, but I was worried if I talked or did something rather than just “go with the flow” I’d freak out my partner, or myself, or lose myself completely. I’m afraid of this dissociative state really taking over. I don’t have the ability to really exit it or make it stop or to even really draw the line where it stops and I return to real life. Why is this happening and how in the world can I deal with it? I’ve thought about taking anxiety pills before sexual encounters, but it doesn’t seem necessarily connected to anxiety… I am legitimately enjoying these experiences when I begin to involuntarily dissociate.

Any advice or wisdom would be much appreciated. I really don’t have the money to go see a professional and can't seem to find free therapy in my area.