Thanks Open Eyes. My T doesn't like it either, but his hands are tied. The public health clinic where he works has a 6 visit only rule for counseling services. He took me on for a year against protocol. Around our 6 visit point last year I became suicidal and went into the hospital for 3 weeks. He said he couldn't, in good conscious, stop seeing me after that. We spent the rest of our time after the hospital getting me stable. When he saw I was relatively okay and my meds were working, he had to begin termination. I don't have insurance and even if I did, c-ptsd can't be used as a diagnosis because it's not in the DSM-5. I have BPD traits but I was never told that was my diagnosis.

I saw him yesterday and I was still angry about it all. I was totally shut down. I told him the memories and flashbacks have stopped and that if I start getting a memory or flashback I push it down. It takes a lot of energy to do that, but I think they'll eventually stop altogether. I also don't journal or go on the forum too much because it triggers me. I pretty much cloistered myself in my home. I don't want to be around people. Since finding out I was molested on top of my other abuse, my faith in anything and anybody has crumbled. I can't find any joy in my art or my piano practice. I do housework and watch TV all day. And winter is coming and I have SAD. The SAD lamp works to a point, but winters are particularly difficult for me because I like being outdoors. I live in central Canada where the winters can get bitterly cold making it nearly impossible to do anything outside for days at a time.

The only thing keeping alive, I believe, is the meds. But they kind of numb me out and my affect is kind of flat at times.

Canada has an abysmal record in terms of mental health care. Our universal health care doesn't cover ongoing therapy. PTSD is a particular problem because many of our vets are committing suicide since coming from Afghanistan.

I also had a thought this a.m. Why isn't complex ptsd in the DSM-V when there's so much evidence of it's existence? I think c-ptsd is not in the DSM-V because the insurance companies blocked it. It's so prevalent the insurance cos. would lose money if it became an actual diagnosis. I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory but I wouldn't put anything past the insurance cos. I truly believe they're evil.