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Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl
So lately I have something that's been weighing very heavily on my mind, and I don't know how to get past it. I'm 17, so probably I'm going to get comments about how most adolescents are 'awkward' and that I should give it time and I'll eventually grow into my looks...unfortunately, I'm fairly certain this isn't going to happen. So I would appreciate it if you would please not give me 'awkward adolescent' comments, as they don't help...I'm only bringing this up because I've had it happen before...thank you.
Anyway, it's been a fear of mine for a very long time that I'm ugly. Since a young age I've been very sensitive and aware of my looks. I've always felt inadequate. In school I was bullied a lot for my looks, called fat and ugly on a regular basis, and this continued for over ten years until I dropped out of high school in March. Being called fat and ugly so much, I've grown to believe it. Lately I've been making efforts trying to dispel these negative beliefs about myself. I've made a little bit of progress, and I no longer believe that I'm hopelessly ugly. However, I'm also beginning to see my looks in a more realistic light, and the view still isn't pretty.
I'm starting to see where my looks rank in comparison to the looks of most other girls my age. The truth is that I don't really measure up well, I'm kind of more toward the bottom which is disheartening. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'll get told I shouldn't compare myself to others...unfortunately, it's a bad habit of mine. Also, I felt the need to see where my standing is, and doing this I've learned a harsh reality, which is that I'm an unattractive girl. I'm not quite as ugly as I once believed I was, but I am not attractive. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here now that I know this about myself.
I've looked at articles on the internet, eHow & stuff like that, and pretty much all of them mention something along the lines of "give yourself a makeover" - do something different with your hair, play around with makeup, dress in flattering clothes, all that. Reading this kind of stuff always leaves me feeling strangely disappointed. I've tried this before and honestly it didn't make a dent in my attractiveness. I've dyed my hair in bold colors, played with makeup...none of it ever made me look any better. I looked like me, just with different colored hair and stuff on my face. Most would say "Well, then you did it wrong." No...I know how to put on makeup properly. It just doesn't help me. And as far as clothing goes, I dress as well as I can for someone of my size and budget. I'm still unattractive.
I'm really not looking for compliments, or to have someone say "Oh, well you must not be as bad-looking as you think you are" when they've never seen a picture of me...Now, I think what I need more than anything else, is for someone to tell me how I can learn to accept my unattractiveness. I know most people would say something about how looks don't matter and that personality is more important. I agree. But I don't have a great or outstanding personality, I don't have any talents or things I'm good at, so I don't really have anything to compensate for my lack of good looks...I just don't know what to do.
I'm not currently on meds or seeing a therapist, and I can't do either at the moment...I would say the reason, but it's long enough to be its own post in its own thread...so I'll just say that therapy and meds are not an option for me right now. In fact, I'm basically having to do this on my own.
Thank you to whoever replies...you have a lot of patience to put up with this big block of annoying text and to reply.
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Hm-m-m-m... Well, ShyPoetGirl... I read your Thread (no rhyme intended...) & I thought I would offer a couple of comments. (By the way, I'm an old male person (it's complicated...) so take that into consideration here.
The first thing I want to key in on is your comment about having been bullied for 10 years about being fat & ugly. When I was in school I was verbally & physically bullied for years too. And, although I'm now in my 60's, I still carry the scars (both emotional & physical.) There is much research coming out now showing that the effects of bullying last far into adulthood. (In my case, they'll last a lifetime.) So the fact you've quit school doesn't mean the effects of the bullying have stopped. You're still struggling with the effects. And, chances are good, you will continue to struggle for years to come.
I know you said therapy is not an option now. But at some point in the future, when it is, I would recommend you consider it to resolve the effects this bullying has had on you. In the meantime, just recognize your current state of mind with regard to your weight & appearance are probably being influenced to a significant degree by the bullying you endured. Realizing this doesn't change anything. But at least, hopefully, it adds some useful insight to your understanding of your current situation. (By the way, if you haven't already done so, please make arrangements to finish high school. Your future prospects as a high school dropout are not encouraging.)
Secondly I guess I'll just observe, by media standards, most people aren't especially good looking. And, in fact, some people are just downright UGLY! That's just the reality of the situation. I suppose, perhaps, it becomes more pronounced as people age. Of course there are things people can do about this nowadays. A person can lose weight, get fit, & even have plastic surgery. I have a deviated septum (bent nose) from a couple of the beatings I took while in school. Back then, one just lived with that sort of thing. If it were to have happened nowadays, chances are I'd get it straightened out. But I'm just too old to worry about it at this point.
Obviously, I have no idea what you look like. So I'll take your word for it you're not attractive, or at least not as attractive as you wish you were. It seems to me you have a couple of options. One is to lose weight, get fit, put your make-up application skills to their best use. At some point when you can afford to, you could even consider having some plastic surgery to tweak your looks. (This is becoming commonplace nowadays.) The other option is to be satisfied with looking as good as you can, as you are, & focus on other things such as a career. Of course, good looks are helpful in any endeavor. But, unless a person aims to be a model or a movie star, one doesn't have to be good looking to succeed in most career fields.
But, of course, in order to be able to put your concerns about your looks aside, one of the hurdles you're going to have to overcome is the excess baggage you're carrying around from the bullying you endured while in school. That voice inside your head that keeps telling you you're unattractive may have been created by that bullying. But, if not, it most certainly gained allot of it's present strength from that bullying.
So those are my thoughts. And those, it seems to me, are your options... realistically. Hopefully I didn't just repeat the same old stuff you've heard a million times. If I did... please forgive me. I wish you all the best.
