2 years ago, broke my arm, needed surgery to fix it. No insurance, cost $15,000, didn't have surgery, lost my job because I was no longer "physically fit enough" for it. Have had part time crappy jobs since then, that I've managed to work for a few weeks to a few months. Depression and anxiety attacks end up making me flee....can't handle them. Tried getting on disability....was told I wasn't disabled enough. Disability lawyer says same....says try again when I'm older???? Local mental health clinic says don't qualify for financial assistance to get mental assistance, and they don't take my insurance that I now have. Docs don't wanna prescribe Xanax, which at least helps me with the anxiety attacks. Everyone seems to want to ask the same question - am I feeling suicidal or homicidal? My response to them all is, I know if I say yes, you are going to get me locked up "to protect me from myself". I don't WANT to be protected from myself. I want help with the daily physical pain, the daily emotional torment, the near daily anxiety attacks. I've spent the last two years trying to help myself, trying to get help from others, and here I sit, still spiraling down. The only thing I can thing of doing now is to release my rage, and go ahead and do the damage I want to do, because I'm beyond caring. If no one around seems to be able to help me short of me going totally "postal" - then why should I keep holding myself back?