I completely understand what your going through. I was like that for many years and couldn't see it getting any better. Along with SI on a regular basis I even attempted sui 3 times. But with the help of a fantastic PsyD I was able to get myself out of the hole. It may sound dumb but positive thinking and taking walks really helped. She also had me do things I once enjoyed even though I didn't at the time to get me off the couch in hopes that I might enjoy one of them and it worked. Like I said I have an amazing PsyD who pushed me just enough without going to far. Even though I'm still depressed a lot of the time I'm able to cope with it and not let it take over my life. From someone who has been where you are now, I can tell you that it can and will get better. You just have to put in a little effort at first, even though it's hard, and you'll be on your way. You can do it! You already took the first step by asking for help here. [emoji6] hugs

If this helps at all feel free to PM me.