That is such a sweet letter, sister. Will you share it with your T? I'm sure he would be so happy for you too and feel a bit of a glow inside about the warm things you wrote about him.

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It seems fragile to me, as if every encounter is an audition I must pass or fail and that is so hard, exhausting.

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ECHOES, once, in one of my early sessions with my T, he told me, "you don't need to perform when you come here," and that gave me permission to relax. I have recalled that statement from time to time since, when I am putting too much pressure on myself to "produce" in therapy or to share something difficult when I'm not really ready. T is patient, the pressure to perform is my own creating.

I am able to connect with my T quite a bit, and in the sessions where we do NOT connect or have difficulty, I end up feeling awful afterwards. The failure to connect in session can throw me into depression. I need to learn to be OK with the reality that connection is never 100% of the time, with anyone, even one's beloved T.

I felt a bit scattered/fragmented in my session earlier this week as I am so focused on a big event coming up for me next week and am very excited and apprehensive about it. I just could not settle down in session and be there in the moment with T. I told that to T, apologetically, and he said he was happy to sit there with me in my fragmentation. He said maybe the purpose of my being there with him that day was to be fragmented and unfocused, and it was OK, and he would provide space for me to be that way, because he could tell I needed to be. I felt we were connected, but I was not "together", if that makes sense.