Hi:
It's hard to start. So I will start with the subject of my father's abuse.

My father has been abusive to me all my life. I don't see him much because of this. But, now he is very sick and so I email him and try to call. His wife (not my mom) gives me a hard time every time. When I call, she says he is busy. He is retired! He gets on phone, she listens in, laughs in background or after 5 minutes starts screaming that he needs to do something, or just screams. so I rarely called and then stopped calling.

Then I sent emails .. he never gets them. I called today to ask again and he says he never gets my emails. I know that she is deleting them. I don't say anything to that. I figure there is no way to talk to him. Why would I want to? Because he is close to death. He is not senile in any way so he knows exactly what he is saying.

So, today,, again, he makes me feel like a garage. I call, talk to her and ask if I can talk to him. As usual, she hesitates, says he is "busy", then puts him on. I tell him "did you get this email, the card I sent, the prayer I sent and he tells me I must be sending to wrong place. No way. Same email for 20 years. I know she deletes. Very controlling. Both of them. She controls him because she has all the money and he has none and because she takes care of him ... he has always wanted to be taken care of like a baby.

So, I finally say ... or I start to say .. if this is the last time I ever get to talk to you (and he interrupts me and tells me I am threatening him). I say I am not ... (what I am trying to do is be kind and say some kind last words). I don't get the chance. He insists I am threatening him. I say I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence and that I am trying to tell you that I don't get through to you ... it is hard by phone and my emails don't get through ... and he says YOU HAVE THIS CAPACITY TO TURN EVERYTHING TO EVIL. What???? I am not evil.

He abused me when I lived at home and it was really hard to forgive. It was physical, emotional and verbal and I feared him. He even used the belt.

Im trying to get closure with this man and there is no way. I finally said "goodbye" because he said "Do you want ME to stop" ... meaning him to stop calling me???? (((((He once threatened to estrange me because he knew I lost a loved one to that and he know I was in a lot of pain over it. He would also send this estranged loved one's emails to me ... he would forward them to me. I told him to stop it and he just keeps doing it. I do not read them and delete them. )))))

Then I lost it and told him HE is the evil one and he is an abuser and he screams out to his wife (not my Mom) "am I an abuser". So I hang up and again, I feel like what is wrong with me. I was trying to do right by him.

He has said mean things to me in my adult life like you are "damaged goods" and other stuff.

I don't even know why I, again, feel so bad that I am sitting here crying and feeling like a failure. From when I was a young child, he always made me feel badly about myself. He criticized my Mom all the time (and she is a wonderful mother) and I was scared to death of the times he would hit me, sometimes using a belt. He made fun of me when other kids did, he would repeat the names they called me and he would laugh and say "oh that's not so bad"!
He would tease the cat (not hurt it) but tease it in a way the cat did not like.

I know everyone is thinking why not just cut him off? Because he is near death (a couple years .. a year ... he is very very old. He is not senile so I know he knows that he is saying to me. It is like he is the enemy of his own daughter.

Why am I the one who ended up attacked and feeling so unloved and like garbage again today? It must be me. I ask for this by even calling him.

PS: He sent me an email later on saying he got two of the 4 or 5 I sent him (sept 7 and oct 1) so he has been getting them and is not answering. Then he wrote that he will ONLY answer important ones and briefly. What??? I can hardly believe this.

Around 4 years ago I sent a really nice letter I know he got telling him of the good he had done as a father and leaving out the bad. I thought that was for clusre. He doesn't even remember it and never saved it.