((Teacake)), I am very sorry that your mother has been upsetting you so much. When someone tells another person to go head and suicide it clearly means "that person" not only has absolutely no clue about PTSD, but it also means that the person is feeling frustrated and doesn't know what to do or say.

Teacake, so many times now I have listened to others here talk about how unsupportive their family members have been and are with them, I had experienced that myself when I was "very suicidal" and really did not understand PTSD. And it can be very hard being in the presence of someone who "hurt" you because that person has issues too.

You say that you remember how un-nurturing your mother was/is and that is bringing back memories where you had unmet needs. Your wise mind has diagnosed her and uttered the reasons "why" too. This is very hard and triggering, but it is also another chance for you to stand back even "more" and use your wise mind to understand her behaviors even more so that instead of anger, you are seeing that abused dog hiding in the corner growling at you in fear, because that is what your mother is.

In a way right now you are "frozen" at 19. In fact this past year you have been re-experiencing that year. You say 32 years, well, back then so little was understood about PTSD and other challenges. You can look back from the knowledge of the now and see what could have been done for you, but, that was not really done back then. Your mother is somewhat frozen too, she did not know what to do back then and she doesn't know now either.

Who in this picture has the intelligence and is gifted enough to be the one who rises above this challenge? Are "you" going to insist on staying 19, or are you going to grow?
You have a choice, you can hang yourself as a stressed out angry, confused 19 year old, or, you can push your way through this challenge and "grow" and finally get past it. Who is going to be the true "Alpha" here? Because it is obvious that your mother is "not".

You have been reading about "how" to Teacake, you now need to begin to "put this into practice". This part is "hard", but it is not undoable.

Yesterday I met with my therapist and I talked about how pretty much everyone around me in my life is "messed up" and I feel like I am the only one who can see how really bad it is. I talked about what happened when I experienced the stress break down and I had no idea what it was and I did not know anything about PTSD. I have had to deal with learning disabilities my entire life, knowing somehow it was not the person's fault, but not knowing what it was, not having the labels to help me understand. I even talked about others I interact with in this forum that have similar challenges, a need to be understood, yet being misunderstood by their own families and how sad that was. I began to weep feeling so sad.

My therapist said to me, that this weeping is part of the mourning and healing. He told me that while I am weeping "now", that does'nt last and I will get to a point where I heal even more.

Teacake, you ask, "what are we?", and the answer is, we are just 'human" and that means we will be limited in "what we know", as is your mother and what she is showing you right now. You can react as that 19 year old, or, you can do the work and finally grow past that. That means you have to let go of holding your mother to a standard that she is never going to fulfill. It's hard to work past this challenge, so I don't want you to think I am in any way making light of it.

See, as long as you act like that angry 19 year old, your mother will continue to react badly towards you. It is much like being with an abused dog that is cowering in a corner and as long as you raise your voice or do anything threatening, that dog will growl and snap at you because it doesn't know anything else to do. Human beings?, Dogs?, same thing, both animals.