She told me to get on with It. Mother is a bit Medean.

she sounds spiteful and damaged to me .....

I have had untreated chronic PTSD (not c-ptsd) for thirty two years, since I was eighteen. Its been better and worse.

why havnt you sought treatment?

Ive expected i would be a suicide almost all my life. PTSD is high risk. Ive been high risk all my adult life. Maybe It is time i got on with It.

Many things are high risk as you said - but youve lasted this long why give up now ? especially when it seems youre mum was the trigger - she stayed three weeks and is gone...good!

I came home to live alone in my grandparents farmhouse. I didn't know mom intended to stay three weeks. Early in week three...im ready to join my ancestors.

She definately has a bad effect on you - i have someone who does the same - i have to remind myself they are trying to lay their problems and pain on me - and that i am not responsible for "fixing them" only me

Id forgotten how mean and destructive she is, and how much she hates me.

its always hard when someone who should nurture you doesnt - remember its their faliure not yours - they couldnt love - not that you are unlovable

Do i laugh? Do I cry? Do i kill myself? What ****ery is this?

oh i haveoften looked at this ....should i do a , b, or just suicide...a cold hard decision wiht no emotion attached to it - but its not just me and its not just you - how would your grandparents feel ?

Tonight I choose to laugh and sleep. good - my mum used to say either we laugh or we cry - so laugh and sleep is good

Tomorrow? Does It matter?