TRIGGER!

I'm so freakin sick & tired of being sick, tired, depressed & very suicidal! Everyday! I can't stand myself anymore!
I have a small rational "part" of me that says it's time to stop & get help, but all my other parts just say why bother?
I've been hospitalized 3 times just this year. Last month I did another round of ECT. That makes a total of 22 times they've fried my brain & yet I still wanto die. Maybe it's just really meant to be.
Then the issue of actually going inpatient. It's always short term. It's always a new med change. Always told that things are better as an outpatient & that there really is no special place to send me that'll help me. IF there is I'm sure there's no beds & my insurance won't except it.
Stuck! I constantly feel stuck! I think my T is even sick of hearing me. My med cabinet has such a strong voice lately & yet I'm still breathing. Guess I'm waiting for a miracle that I deep down kno will never happen. Why do I bother anymore?

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