I went through a period where I was really bad myself. I honestly never imagined ever being that bad either, it was so horrible. You know Teacake, at that time my daughter was the same age as your son, and she stayed away from me, which made me even worse. However, I managed to survive that horrible time, because I learned that it comes in strong waves and yet it does go away too. It was the hardest year of my life too. I am so glad I did not act on my thoughts, because I now know that my daughter really did not understand it at all and I would never want to hurt her, and it would have hurt her because she has had challenges herself and I am glad that I am here now to help her and her challenges would have been too much had I made that choice when I was struggling so much.

Maybe using the word selfish was too "harsh", because at the time I was so bad and so alone too. I also felt that everyone would be much better off if I was not around to burden them too. I had a lot of anger and I turned inward and "god" it was horrible.
Oh, I know that desire for "peace" that Mowtown is talking about "if only". I did not have that "at all", oh how I wanted it so badly too. Yes, my husband responded the same way your mother did too, not only that but he kept a loaded hand gun in the night stand next to our bed, "knowing that was the way I said I would end myself" how does that grab you?

Hellion, I know what you are saying about not making excuses for someone who is "abusive". I was no where near capable of making excuses or seeing others at the time,
the truth is I was too busy being "hurt" by them. I did not see any "light" at all tbh.

I can see it now, but I sure could not see it then.

I am trying to reach out as best as I can to encourage you to work through this, even though these desires are strong because you "can" work past this, you are certainly smart enough, smarter than me in some ways too.