Hi Kathleen, it sounds like things have been really hard for you. As if it isn't hard enough having depression and anxiety without everything else piling up on top of you, hey?
But the trouble with getting on disability.............could you appeal that, maybe your doctor could do you a letter verifying how difficult things are for you, if that hasn't already been tried???
Although real kudos to you for managing the bit of part time work you have- and maybe if you could find something just a little easier???? But if not, just be really proud of yourself for having tried so hard
But just be as straight as you can with your doctor, hey?? If you were to be feeling suicidal, it doesn't need to mean that they'll automatically "lock you up", they'd be looking at level of risk before it came to that decision. And there'll be plenty of people who've had those feelings who are treated outside of the hospital with medication, and who've been treated successfully. It's all about what's best for you.
As for other help though.........I've got to really commend you on trying so hard yourself and on wanting/reaching out for help..............just wondering if there are any support groups in your area though, I know these have helped a lot of people. Sending you a link, although there may be more out there:
Support Groups | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
But if you want to talk more, hopefully we can help with some support too.

Alison