For me, the reasons behind it are complex, but it was and is not about being a burden. This is a spoiled rich kid thing (well, um ... You know, OE) but I do have a sense of entitlement - which is not a good thing. Burden to my family, if I were, and I actually, despite my 42 levels of crazy, am the workhorse and the glue that holds them together - if I am ever a burden to them, I earned it through blood, tears, and a lifetime of sweat equity, so screw them.

With me, suicide would be an escape, but not from mental pain, I've had that my whole life, I am used to that. It would be an escape from loss of face, from being shamed, and definitely from being locked up like a felon "for my own good due to my medical condition." No way would I accept that - honestly I should have a contingency plan in case it comes to that. I would do everything in my power to avoid that, including death by cop if necessary, rather than be captured, disgraced, and treated like a common criminal. If I thought that would happen, I would probably carry an apology and please forgive yourself note to the cop, so he knew I knew what I was doing and he was doing me a kindness putting me out if my misery. Because above all, I am still a decent and honorable man, I have empathy and love for my fellow human beings, I am a nice guy and always a gentleman.

I should have a plan - and yes, it would involve a trip to a sporting goods store because that would still be my method of choice.

Right now, very rough patch, but I still hold out hope for the future, that it will be better, that I can hold it together enough that I need not worry about ever being in a position to be locked up. I still have dreams, including grad school. They may be pipe dreams but I have them.