Just a sense of dissonance, that on the surface I am bouncy and literally physically feeling relatively good, but don't feel good ABOUT anything. If I think about anything, I feel more serious than bouncy, but also feel little motivation. Strange. Maybe it's just age and changes in my life that I know are coming in the next year. Things ending, not knowing what will begin. Maybe I just need to stop and pay attention. Certainly I have no urge to do anything and have more difficulty than usual getting things done. I see the futility, ultimately, of existence. Not a new idea, but a stronger and more evident one of late. I haven't even been crying as easily as I usually do.

Maybe this is what it is like to get old. I don't know. No friends, no one has told me of their ageing experiences, and my husband is much younger than me so I am on the leading edge by myself.

Thanks for asking, MOCS.

I have always searched for something meaningful in life, and thought I would have found something satisfying by now. I have failed in that.