It's NOT a self-harm, low self-esteem, or suicidal thing.

It's a macho thing. I'm not very macho, and I don't believe in the kind of "macho" that makes a man a pompous, sexist, arrrogant jerk.

I do believe in the kind of "macho" that makes a man brave enough to face an enemy, or to stand up and do the right thing even if it's hard, or to protect those weaker than him.

I also believe in the "macho" of sports, and toughing out out and competing throught the pain.

I am NOT talking about a street brawl or a fist fight.

I desperately want to have a REAL, serious fight in the boxing ring, with my trainer or with one of the young bucks at the gym who could pummel the S*** out of me.

One good fight, satin trunks, boxer's shoes, bare chested, hot, sweaty, on ultra high alert, adrenalin like I have hardly never known, except perhaps in moments of great fear. Except not just fear, excitement, on guard, tough and quasi-confident.

I want to box without headgear. Straight fight rules. I will wear my mouthgard, I do like having teeth, and spent a lot on restorative dental work last year.

I want a black eye, a bloody nose, and a split lip. I wanna feel the blood drip down my face and onto my chest. I want to get so beaten up I almost have to go to the ER for stitches, but I will tough it out, maybe fix it myself with some superglue, which hurts like Hell.

I wanna go into the office the following Monday in sunglasses and looking like I got the S*** beat out of me. Be quite a sight in a suit and tie.

I wanna go down for the count after 3 or 4 rounds.

I just wanna get ONE good blow in against the other guy. My fantasy is one really solid right hook, which is my best punch. One good punch is all I ask.

If all of that happened, I swear to God I would be happiest guy, floating on Cloud 9, and I would wear every wound as a badge of honor and pride.

I'm not entirely sure where this stems from, there is an element of the ghosts of my PTSD past here, I only stood up to my father ONE time, even though he threatened to beat the crap out of me often, which made me cower in fear.

One fight, all I ask. Then I would be perfectly content to go back to sparring. Or maybe it would satisfy my bloodlust and I would hang up my gloves.

S***, it would make me feel like a real man for the first time in my sorry F******* life.

Rocky. Ali-Fraser. Oscar de la Hoya. Tommy Hearns. I want it bad. ONE TIME.