I can totally relate to the 'in the moment' thing. My dad said to me on the phone a little while ago that 'if you don't watch it, I wont speak to you forever.' I didnt fully realise how outrageous that was until later on, and I only felt the outrageousness (errr....is that a word??lol,) of it until after I posted the thread about what has happened to me on here the other day. So yeah, I get you.I think it's because it feels like a verbal punch. It shocks the system. Also, one word that came to mind when I read what you wrote was 'bamboozling.' It sounds confusing to even read it...not because you expained it poorly.You explained things very well, but simply because everything in this situation is confusing.The reason it's confusing is because nothing makes sense.

Your stepmother sounds awful tbh. I don't like to call people 'awful' but that's what I felt reading it.

Before you posted on my thread, I had read this thread, and was going to post on it basically to say that your dad and this situation gives me a similar vibe to my parents. I have apologised to them for hanging up on them or getting angry at them, but when my dad has hung up on me it's 'due to poor reception' and I dont get an apology.He also says similar 'showy' 'dramatic' stuff.Frankly, he doesnt sound like he has earned the right to tell you anything about how you act, let alone that 'you turn things to evil.' I am so sorry you got hit with a belt.My dad would threaten the belt, but I never actually got hit with it.

Are you sure you dont want his love? Do we ever stop wanting our parents love even if they can't or won't give it? Is it possible you are trying to avoid the process of 'complicated grief.' Its basically common in people who were abused by their parents.Maybe google it if you havent heard of it.I dont think it will be especially triggering for you. I can relate to a lot of what you have written, and the feeling guilty,and that you have done something wrong part.Have you come accross the concept of narcissistic abuse/narcissistic family dynamics?

One similar thing that I had was a feeling that if I got an apology from my mother, I could get closure.I now know that not only is that probably never going to happen in the way I need to hear and feel it, it won't make any difference. What has happened between you and him, and what he did to you as a child is so deep, that my intuition is that any kind words said by you in his last moments to him may not give you the peace of mind you are seeking,