The space, the place where disconnection is...

Is where my insecurity is. In that place, I am alone. And alone is uncomfortable. I want to close that gap---deny it's existence!! I want there to be no gap, no disconnect.

That place, being alone, is so uncomfortable, so I've tried to fill it up with food, drugs, sex, alcohol, cigarettes, being online... one thing after another. If I can fill it up then I can deny it is happening and the pain the goes with it... or so I think I can.

I can't avoid or deny disconnection; it's as normal a part of life as breathing. I waste time and energy on this insecurity that will never be 'cured' because disconnection is real. But if I can allow it and name it, then it will become a natural state and I can rejoice when/if reconnection happens.

Leaving T today caused my usual panicky feelings. It is about separation and it is about disconnection. Out of sight, out of mind. When I'm out of her sight she will forget me. My panicky feelings are my attempt to stay connected so she won't forget me, as if I could accomplish that.

This disconnection will lead to reconnection, but the place, the space, is lonely.