I love my mother. I try very hard to reconcile. I have a sense of how painful her life has been. She has borderline disorder. She knew something was wrong with her. She was too terrified to ask about It and so she was never able to treat It or to heal. She got hurt again and again. She is profoundly gifted and very strong. She battled through a difficult marriage and she battles through life, steamrolling us all down. She is furious at the world and entitled to her rage.

She's not a growling dog. She's one angry woman in an armored tank. I just hope I dont go so numb i stay stuck in numb. Mom triggers me bad. She doesn't mean to. But Its true that she hates me and wishes me dead. Always has. She's borderline. A narcissist. I am not. Big envy. I have a self. That is their biggest envy. It made her scary in my childhood. Back in the childhood holiday home watching home movies I felt her trigger by a look on my dads face. Her trigger sent a wave of fear through me. All dad did was not smile at the camera. His face was serious. He looked troubled. Im guessing the borderline inlaws were wearing on him. Fifty years later that face teiggered mom and I paid. Lol!