Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm not sure. I stopped for a long time... (I stopped when I got OUT of T, how's that for irony?). I don't remember exactly why I *used* to... I remember thinking that part of it was... words weren't enough. I couldn't adequately get my feelings across to T (and still can't). My picture in my head was always being a little girl, sitting on the floor against a wall sad... and when asked "why did you do this (si)?" saying... *because I hurt*.

Just restarted in the last few days, and it was a very fast thing. I think it's defnitely stress related - I'm overwhelmed, and no one can help. T has already proven he can't help with the emotions or the actual things overwhelming me, and as more stuff gets added on... it's just too much. The SI was a really surprisingly quick way to get my brain out of overwhelm state, sort of focused and calm? It's weird, and doesn't make sense to me. But, that was clearly what was happening... because right before I felt like I was about to have a bit of a breakdown (which I don't really do!) - it was just that "one last thing" pushing me over the edge (oh thank you, crappy crappy job).

I'm so sorry that you feel like you don't deserve to be cared for... I know it doesn't mean much, but ***I*** think you deserve lots of care and love and respect! If only I ruled the world, right? ;-))) Take care of yourself, and thanks for this thread (I needed to think/write a bit more about what happened the last few nights, so this was helpful and appreciated - I hope it's not too much!)

*take care*

[Errr... I'm re-reading this, and realizing that to reply to "I don't feel like I deserve to be cared for" with "take care" might just be a little bit off, and sound like I'm saying, "well, dang it, go care for yourself!" I hope you know that's not what I meant at all! Just hoping that you can be a bit kind/gentle with yourself right now, because you deserve it!]