I wrote a post earlier in the week. It was an indirect way to try to seek some support, and of course it failed. So I'll try a more direct approach.

I try not to post my sob story here. I feel like I don't deserve to ask for support here because I have such a great relationship with my T. Other times, I just feel ignored...like my issues don't even compare with what some of you have to deal with. I know I have many good things in my life, but at the same time, I'm still suffering.

My depression has been really bad this past week. I had to take my fiance to the hospital (he's fine now). But while there I had a breakdown. I was sitting there crying for 2 hours. No one did anything. Of course, my fiance was asleep due to medication, so he couldn't do anything. But the nurses and doctors said NOTHING!!! I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to check myself in, call the crisis line (from the hospital)... I wound up emailing my T, but I knew that she wouldn't respond back at 3am. I finally asked the nurse if I could have something to help calm me down. She told me no. I either had to go back home to get my own meds or wait it out. When I finally got home, I took 2 Ativan to prevent me from harming myself.

My fiance's family told me I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of him. I asked them what more they wanted me to do? Wipe his butt for him? Cook gourmet meals? I haven't driven by myself for 8 years, and I had to do that this week. I had to be in public alone! And that's not good enough? Few days ago, they give me $100 to say sorry. Yes, they tried to buy my forgiveness.

My dog is really sick. She has at least hypothyroidism and MRSA. And probably cushings. Her fur is falling out and she has sores all over her body. The vet said if we can't figure out how to treat her, she won't live out her full life potential. We have already sunk so much money into her, and our treatment options left will cost even more. And we're actually pretty poor. Both my fiance and I live off of SSI. I can't lose my dog. She is one of four reasons I fight to live.

My mom wants to leave my step-dad because of his gambling addiction and he's become verbally abusive.

And then there's just the good old depression. I hate it. I hate my SUI thoughts. My T and Pdoc say that they're very similar to auditory hallucinations. They also told me that it will get better, but I will suffer from them for the rest of my life...I've spent too long with them and now it's basically ingrained into my brain...a habit. But they are so severe. While at the hospital, all I could think of was going home and killing myself or walking out into the street and laying in the middle of the road. Now at home, I keep thinking about SI or OD'ing. I fantasize about being tortured or suffering immense amounts of pain.

I hate myself. I'm dealing with skin picking right now in therapy. It's similar to SI, but more along the lines of OCD. It's so difficult to talk about my body. It makes me feel nauseated just thinking about it. I finally stopped scrubbing my skin with a pumice stone, but I still want to. I feel so disgusted with myself. The things that others have done to my body, the things I've done to my body. And my T won't read my written things anymore. I have to verbalize it!!! So I had her shut off the lights and turn around so she wouldn't look at me as I described to her all the details about my skin picking. I was hyperventilating. I was shaking. Ugh! I hate the words!!!!

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate that my T and Pdoc care more about me that people in my personal life. I have no friends...I don't know how to. I don't really have family...biologically they're family, but not relationship wise. My fiance is abusive and controlling. He won't seek out therapy. I'm trapped in my life, in my home, and in my mind. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but no one will listen.

I know I'm lucky to have my T and Pdoc, but I can't survive on their care forever. Like someone else's recent posts, I don't feel cared about by the people in my personal life. For me, I feel like they just use me. They do just enough to keep me in their life, but then they take advantage of me. And when I need help...I'm the one that's crazy. I'm ignored or even yelled at.

I asked my T this week why I was able to have two really good weeks, and now all of a sudden, I'm back here at the bottom. Her response was simply that it's part of my disorder, it's the depression. I feel like I'm doomed to deal with this forever. I've spent 18 yrs trying to get better. I have been on countless meds and in so much therapy. Hell, I went to college to try to teach myself therapy! I am doing EVERYTHING I'm told to do... And here I am...drowning. I really don't want to live anymore.