I have nothing particularly constructive to add, as no matter what I say, I know it won't take away how you are feeling right now. I imagine it sucks!

I will say a couple of things that may help you see that things are not all bad....it was after all just money, and you are not alone. (I am not one who puts such high value on things, position or financial worth, sorry)

When the proverbial hit the fan for me, one of my poor 'coping' strategies (read maladaptive behaviours) was to spend money. I felt I deserved it, or I needed it as it would make me feel better. I spent every cent that I had saved and brought back from the UK after working as a locum on big money for a few years. I bought a brand new car one day....just because.

And I can not tell you how much money I spent on alcohol, I didn't just buy the cheap wine, it had to be decent and I often drank 2 bottles a night, or a large bottle of jack daniels. I must have spent thousands over the few years I was in that dark pit.

The moral of my story is this......I have had money, I have thrown it away in moments of madness, I have lost it from poor behaviour, I have done worse that I can't mention here with money that caused me to feel ashamed and humiliated and fly to the other side of the world to escape the intense shame heaped on me by others.

I am still alive, still moving forward and have a beautiful son that has a wonderful personality. I have one or 2 friends who care about me. Most of my family suck, but I am building a better relationship with my sister. I am following a dream to qualify in a profession that will allow me to support others to be all they can be in life. I am rediscovering my true self, which is no mean feat. These are the important things in life.

Shoot.....I didn't want to make this all about me......but Johnny, I wanted to show that even though we can do some things in life that we think we can't come back from.....we still can! And as for your age........Late 40's is not too late to rebuild. No way no how. My best friend had started again at 47, now 50, and is living a simplified life, working a basic but fun job, dating a world renowned artist, having some of the best sex of her life, struggling financially but happier.

Sometimes in life we need to give up on wishing we were where we thought we should be, and begin appreciating where we actually are. And seeing the potential for growth from there.

You can get through this, you will get through this, all is not lost.

(ps, sorry if that didn't help at all. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in this muck! Also, I learnt something when times were tough......sell some stuff. For it is only stuff!)