I don't know whether or not to email my T. I'm supposed to when I get really bad. But I feel like I'm not trying hard enough to use my coping skills. Plus, I don't want to worry her. I feel like I keep disappointing her. That or I always worry that I'm seeking attention my reaching out.

But I gave into letting my mind wander tonight. I was looking up some things on SUI. I realized I have everything I need to be successful. And tomorrow I will be alone for 8 hrs minimum. Part of me hopes the thoughts will lessen on their own. Another part of me is scared. But there's this other part of me that wants to go through with it.

I wish people would understand how difficult it is to have these thoughts every single day, and then have to fight them. When your happy, the thoughts are just nagging. But when your depressed, it's like adding fuel to the fire. The depression makes the thoughts logical.

And it is so tempting...in 13 hrs I could make myself free from this pain. No more fighting. No more abuse. No more everything.

Why does there have to be so much pain? I read everyone else's pain and it hurts. It hurts because I don't like seeing others hurt. I want to help minimize it. But it also hurts because I know so many of us are putting in so much effort and there is still so much pain. I see the care you all express to each other. The little ways you can offer support through the Internet. And for people like that who can reach out to others even when they're hurting, why do we seem to suffer more than the rest of the people in our lives? We can't be all that bad? I just don't understand.