I have no idea how to handle anything to be honest.

I guess it has all kind of built up. Emotionally I've got nothing left to give and yet I still can't say no. I'm working 6 days a week with next to no time to myself and no chance to recharge.

Which means when I found my ex boyfriends amateur porn account I had no buffer to deal with it.

There's nothing quite like hearing your ex masturbate to other women and see him using the exact same phrases he used on you (You're the only person to make me do... I've never felt so connected...) to make it clear how little he cared about you. And how stupid you were for falling for his tricks.

On top of that I see him being so nice to these other women (just like he was when we first met.) and I can't help but think that maybe he really is a nice person and the only reason he turned on me and started treating me bad was because I did something to deserve it.

I know that an abuser is never going to show his true face in that sort of public scenario but I still struggle with all the self doubt and lack of worth he encouraged.

I'm also feeling a distinct urge to warn these women. To tell them to run. Run as fast as you can. There is a reason this 'perfect' man has been 'single' for 10 years. I know they wouldn't believe me though. I wouldn't have believed anyone who said that to me.

I've been so emotionally on edge of late that honestly those cuts were the most relief I have felt in a long time.

It's scary. I don't think I want to stop again.

I can only see my therapist every 6 weeks or so and I have no friends left over after that relationship meaning I've got no support anyway, so there is no one to care if I'm SHing or not.