Hey

So I haven't had sex for 5 years and I'm in my mid 20s. Ideally, I want to find a partner and be in a proper relationship. However, because I have some sexual issues, every time I feel there's a spark between me and someone, I avoid getting to know them further because I am worried I will end up embarrassed, and dumped, because of my problems with sex.

I'm embarrassed that I'm not the confident, sexually liberated young woman I would like to be. Where I live is fairly small and so people I meet I either already know, or are friends of friends etc. This makes me more anxious because I don't want people to know about my problems. Maybe I'm underestimating people, but people do talk. Even if not maliciously, I still can't bear the thought of it. I hate it about myself but I care a lot about what people think of me.

I first had sex when I was 13 and I had a few 'relationships' in my teens. Though, in retrospect, I think I had low self esteem and none of these relationships were really advisable or loving. I think this forms part of my problem: even though I have had sex before I have never really had intimacy. I had one bad experience with an older guy when I was 14 but this was a situation I entered into and it is not something which I think has had a impact. Five years ago, I was raped and I haven't had sex since. For a few years after, I wasn't interested in sex at all. My life then was messed up. Now, I've fixed most things and I feel like my peers again except for the relationship/sex side. I really want to share life with someone and not being able to is bringing me down. I also kind of resent that I've missed these first five years of my 20s where people get more comfortable and confident with themselves and sex.

My problem is embarrassing. Since this incident five years ago, I think that there is something wrong with my vagina ( how else can it be said). I had a blood test and STD test, all clear but I know these tests don't pick up things like genital warts. I have never had any that I know of but I still feel my vagina is disgusting and different from how it was before. I can't get into an intimate situation with someone I care about with this at the back (front) of my mind. In the UK, you can just do an STD test on yourself at the doctors. I managed to go for a cervical smear and the nurse didn't say there was anything weird/wrong(not that I asked). I need reassurance that everything is okay but for that I basically need someone to look. I'm worried to ask the doctor for a referral to a gynecologist. I don't know if I could go through with it and if there was something wrong I don't know how I would cope. I already have quite a few issues with myself: it takes me ages to get out the door, I often feel like a mutant.

In addition to these concerns about my body, I'm also worried because I feel like I've forgotten how to have sex. Part of me thinks of just having an anonymous one night stand, there'd be less pressure but then, as I said before, it is a small town so I wouldn't feel anonymous. I was thinking of going to a bigger town with this sole purpose. I realise that sounds trampy but it might be the means to an end of this anxiety. I think if the guy just took control, I would be able to let go.

Apologies for the essay. I haven't admitted all this to anyone. I only recently have been able to think about it myself. Does anyone have any advice to share?

Sap