You have been on quite a rollercoaster the past two years Mowtown. I posted that video that talks about PTSD and how people get caught up in trying to suppress it unknowingly. You have talked about how you spent that money, and you did spend it on yourself in positive ways believe it or not. You were really trying to fill a void that at the time you did not truly understand. You had been dutiful and responsible all your life, you had been stressed through no fault of your own too.

Then something happened which resulted in you experiencing a stress breakdown. As a result and the way you were treated for that which was inadequate at the time, you experienced that intial surge to "thrive in spite of" that you really had never experienced before. So, what you went into high gear with is "fight mode". But, when you went into "fight" you really did not do anything "bad" Mowtown. If you really think about it, you really fought for yourself in positive and proactive ways. You got "therapy" that was better quality because you had money, you got a PT which was really a very positive experience for you, you got back into biking and working out to get physically fit, and you really did very "healthy" things.

The reason why I cited Donald Trump which is only one of many that also went into "fight" mode every time he "fell", is to show you that what you did was really not "so criminal or bad" after all. You say that Donald Trump did not have to file for "personal" bankruptsy? Well, what he did was worse because he used other people's money and when he fell, it cost a lot of people every single time.

Why did we experience the economic crash? We experienced that because "many" people spent more or borrowed more than they were capable of servicing a way to keep up with what they "borrowed on". Our country/government had to step in and bail out the banks Mowtown, and we are ALL paying for that. And speaking of our country, look at the mess our debt situation is. The reason interest rates are so low is because our country would never be able to pay on the debt we are in "if" interest rates went up.

Most people are living paycheck to paycheck and have no real assets. People who are not suffering from PTSD. And, because people like Donald and others took huge gambles, and went belly up, a lot of people are paying the price for that. Many people who were responsible and saved all their lives and built up nest eggs, saw all their savings wiped out.

If you really sit down and calculate how much debt you have, it is nothing compared to what other debt people have created. You talk about it in such a big way, but all you really did was spend it on "fighting for yourself" because "someone had to fight for you" at the time. Now you are struggling with the feeling that you are some kind of "criminal", because you did what? Invested in yourself because you were suffering from a major stress breakdown? Well, you had some real "medical issues" Mowtown, and IMHO you did your best to address them.

If you got in shape and took time investing in yourself and it cost more than you realized, or perhaps you got a little carried away with it because of how much you were suffering from a genuine "PTSD challenge", that is not "criminal". People spend at least that amount on "college" Mowtown. What you did was not much different because you spent money on things that entailed others "helping you" in a way you had always deserved and because you did that you actually learned and grew as a person. So, you also bought some material things too, but you did that to also help yourself, that little boy in you that was always a responsible good boy that often went without because he had to step up to the plate to be the responsible parent because his parents failed at that.

What your history says is that you were "stressed" with things you did not deserve to have stressing you in your life and you did the best you could to "survive" that stress.

I think it is "very sad" that you experienced a stress breakdown, and instead of ending your life you "fought back for yourself" and now you are struggling with the thoughts of your being some kind of "criminal". Why, because you took a stand and fought back for yourself?

You say you are no Donald Trump, good, because the truth is you are "not", but in a good way Mowtown. Your intentions were to help yourself and you chose for the most part "healthy things" to spend your money on, "your own money" and maybe a bit more, but THAT IS NOT A CRIME.

IMHO, that money was well spent. It was "good" that you had it so you could "self help" in those positive ways. There was no true crazyness in it, no crime either, because of where you were psychologically. The bike you bought was with the idea of having a positive goal, nothing wrong with that, even if you did not utilize it, at the time you needed to have some kind of "positive direction" to focus on. And the car? Well, that was something to comfort you on a daily basis and that was no crime either. Obama spends millions to play golf, just to play golf and he also had the "best" golf pro teachers. And American citizens pay for it. That man can spend more in one hour than all you spent in the two years of "investing in self help". Honestly, I think it is even less than an hour that Obama can spend some insane amounts of money.

You have talked about the fact that while you have struggled in the past two years you have also learned a lot too. You have been a good boy and a good man all your life too.
You went to college and deserved to engage in that experience, but you could not because you were too distracted and stressed because of leaving your mother with an "unsafe" father. Not only that but while you were trying to learn "for yourself and your future", you had to fight your own sense of unworthiness that your father had instilled in you. That is something you had to work through on your own too, and you managed to achieve "something" in all that mess. The "truth" is you have always been a "survivor" Mowtown and that really does have a lot of value to it.

You were also the only friend your mother had in her entire life too. And even though your father was so messed up, you still found it within you to take pitty on him and even give him a proper funeral too. The truth is, all your life you were the only "man" to do your best in a very "dysfunctional" environment.

That is and never was anything "criminal" in any way. You have not done anything bad.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE