Thank you for that. I definitely don't want to be in any sort of desperation. If I chickened out of killing myself I know I would be. I can't do that, and it's what has stopped me so far. But I desperately need some inner relief. There are groups here but I'm not sure if any are on neutral territory. I don't want to go back to that clinic for anything. I'm afraid I have zero motivation for groups or being around people in real life. I've fallen pretty far down.