Depression sucks. I know that's a very lame way to put it, but I don't want to start cussing! The idea that you are chickening out because you can not kill yourself, is one that is too familiar to me. But you are brave to continue living. There is a pull that is keeping you alive. Get in touch with that, and hold on to it. Maybe it's somebody you care about. There is so much strength in love. I wrote a poem once about trying to kill myself and the realization that it was murder, murder of my very soul. How can we kill something so beautiful. There is beauty inside you, whether you see it or not. Would you treat somebody else so cruelly?